Thursday, May 20, 2010

Skynet becomes self-aware....

Calling it artificial intelligence might be a bit of a stretch, but it seems that a group of U.S. scientists have developed the world's first "artificial life form" - a synthetic bacterium.

You can read the full story here, but for the non-readers in the audience here's the skinny:

This group of scientists, headed by Dr. Craig Venter (of the J Craig Venter Institute - obviously Craig is a model of humility and has no God complex whatsoever; after all, he's just trying to become the Creator of artificial life forms), started by artificially constructing a mirror image of a bacterium's DNA from scratch. Once this artificial DNA was completed, they transplanted the genetic material into a "host cell", which was not synthetic, but an actual biological cell made the good old fashioned way, just like grand-dad used to make 'em. Once the successful transplant was complete, the host cell began to look and behave like a bacterial cell from the strain from which the DNA was copied. Except "copied" is the wrong word, because the DNA placed in the host cell was not necessarily "copied", but, as previously stated, was an exact replica, made by humans, from scratch.

What does all of this mean? Well, I don't claim to be a scientist, nor do I claim to have a full understanding of the process by which this "synthetic life form" came into being. But, as far as I can tell, what all of this means is that human beings have succeeded in creating the blueprints for life, from nothing.

I'll repeat that.

Human beings (the same species you see chowing down on McBreakfastBurritos while yapping on cell phones and driving right in the middle of what's supposed to be a two-lane highway on your ride to work every morning) have succeeded in creating the blueprints for life (as in, the divine spark that gives all living things animation), from nothing (in other words, using no previously living biological material). That's my understanding of it, at least.

Oh, and I forgot to mention that this original host cell then "replicated over a billion times, producing copies that contained and were controlled by the constructed, synthetic DNA," according to a BBC article.

The ethical, religious, scientific and moral implications of such a discovery are almost too vast to even consider. Not to mention to comprehensive and all-encompassing for a Thursday afternoon blog post, so I'm going to save those for another day in the very near future.

Just know this Dr. Craig Venter, you and all your fellow geneticist/biologist cronies are now on my "Dangerous People Who Need to be Watched" list, along with your pals the astrophysicists. I'm all for advancing the sciences and learning more about the workings of our world, but caution is sometimes too easily thrown to the wind when the hunger for fruit from the tree of knowledge becomes too overpowering. Just ask Adam.

And know that I'll be watching you.

Friday, May 14, 2010

Today, redemption is spelled S-H-E-E-D...

Well, at least he's on the path, anyway.

Tony Allen too. I actually sent the following text message to a friend last night (and those of you who know me understand the contempt in which I hold Tony):

"Fantastic game so far. TONY ALLEN has been a force this series, and tonight is no exception."
 There's really nothing more to say. The Celts were great last night, and they are finally playing like the team they should be; nothing more, nothing less.

Monday, May 10, 2010

You got Rondo'd!!!!

That's all I have to say.

You got Rondo'd.

You got Rondo'd.

And, oh yeah, YOU definitely got Rondo'd.

The magic show that Rajon Rondo put on yesterday afternoon easily ranks as one of the top five greatest "I'm not letting my team lose this game, no effing way" performances I've witnessed in my lifetime. Rondo would not be denied; whether it was on the boards, on defense, in transition, or driving into the paint in the half-court game, Rondo played virtually every possession to perfection.

(In case you somehow missed it, Rondo's triple-double: 29 pts, 18 rebs, 13 asts, 43% FG, and 11 of 16 FT.)

(And just because it makes me feel good, Lebron's losing effort: 22 pts, 9 rebs, 8 asts, 39% FG, 0 of 5 from behind the arc. Really, not bad, but when you compare "The Greatest Player Alive" and reigning MVP "x2's" line to Rondo's... ah, I'm just going to soak this in.)

Chris Broussard has a phenomenal column on ESPN.com reflecting on Rondo's spectacular Sunday, in which Broussard suggests that the torch of leadership on this Celtics team has been unofficially passed to the enigmatic, 6-foot-1, 24-year-old guard. The entire column is worth a read, but the point Broussard chose to end with speaks volumes:

"Rondo's excellence once again carried the Celtics when their Big Three of Garnett, Ray Allen and Paul Pierce weren't quite in sync. Garnett and Allen each provided 18 points, but they combined for only 12 in the second half and none in the fourth. And Pierce continued to melt at James' feet, scoring just nine points to drop his series average to 11.8.

But with Rondo dominating (for lack of a stronger word) with his at-will penetration, the Celtics were in good hands. The raucous TD Garden crowd recognized as much and saluted their new leader with "M-V-P'' chants while Rondo canned two free throws with 17.8 seconds left.

Afterward, Rondo was still dishing assists to his teammates, heaping praise on 30-somethings Garnett, Allen and Pierce for opening things up for him on the floor.
"My numbers tonight were what they were, but we still go through the Big Three," he said. "They're the main focal point. That's why I'm able to get so many open looks and be so aggressive."
That's no longer true. But we understand why he said it. After all, a great point guard always takes care of his supporting cast"
I think that just says it all.

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Rasheed's Renaissance...

Well, ladies and gentlemen, guess who finally decided to show up?

That's right, this fackin' guy.

Last night Rasheed Wallace, after many months of mulling the decision over, finally decided that he wanted to play some basketball this season. Logging 18 minutes off the bench for the Celtics in their 104-86 trouncing of the Cavs in Game 2 of the Eastern Conference Semi-finals, Sheed dropped 17 points, hit 7 of 8 shots from the field - three of which came from behind the arc - and even played what passes as inspired D, for Rasheed, at least.

Sheed carried the load for the Celts' bench last night and was a huge factor in helping secure a critical Game 2 win at the Q before KG, Paul Peirce and company head back to Boston for games 3 and 4. That said, it was one of the most frustrating Sheed performances I've watched all season.

Please, allow me to elaborate.

Rasheed's game last night proved what many have lamented all season long; the fact that Sheed can still play basketball at an elite level when, and this is the important part, he actually wants to put in the effort to try.

We have all seen plenty of evidence showcasing Sheed's laziness and general disinterest in anything but launching up bad 3s over the course of the season, but until last night there was a part of me that thought, "Maybe Sheed just isn't the player we think he is anymore, maybe age and multiple deep playoff runs have had more of an effect on him than we know." I knew his work ethic/reluctance to play the post was a large chunk of the problem, but a small part of me thought that maybe his game had declined more drastically than we imagined as a result of the extended time away he spent with injuries in 2008-2009. But, with last night's performance, that manufactured excuse for Sheed's lackluster season loses all credibility and it becomes completely apparent that he just hasn't been trying.

And the truly amazing thing about last night was how effortless Sheed made it all look.

It begs the question, had Sheed actually given a shit all year long, could the Celts have been in contention for the 1-seed in the East? Probably not, since there were issues other than Sheed's disinterest contributing to the Celts poor second half of the regular season, but it's definitely an interesting question to consider.

But, I suppose there's no use dwelling on the past. The short of it is, that in order for the Celtics to have a chance at winning any series from here on out, Sheed has to be able to sustain the level of play he displayed last night. If he can manage that, who knows what the ceiling for this squad is?

Sheed, it was nice to have you back. Here's to hoping you decide to stick around.

Monday, May 3, 2010

Why I love Rajon Rondo, in a nutshell...

Today's Boston Herald feature's a piece suggesting that Rajon Rondo is the key to the Celts chances at beating Cleveland, as the Celts have become so reliant on his penetration creating open looks for Ray and Paul.

It's a solid article (you can read it in it's entirety here), but what really caught my eye was this quote from Rondo himself:

The Cavaliers believe that switching 6-foot-6 Anthony Parker onto him forced the alteration [in his second half play] in the 6-1 Rondo.


“They do?” said Rondo. “That’s their opinion. I don’t see the first guy. I’m looking at the second line of defense, regardless of who they put on me. I’ve seen him before. I don’t think it’s going to stop anything.”
Rajon truly believes that he can take on the world and win - and on his best nights, he can. The last guy the Celts had with that kind of unfailing self-confidence and, truth be told, arrogance, was... Larry Bird.

Just sayin'.

Friday, April 30, 2010

Finally, an idea I can get behind....

Well, here it is. Two solid years into the existence of the blog, and I'm caving and posting something about poltics.

Check out what California's Lt. Governor Abel Maldonado had to say about a new proposition on the California ballot that might be one of the best plans I've heard yet to reel in this country's out-of-control political parties whose continued courtship of  extremists has contributed to record numbers of Americans registering as independents.

http://www.colbertnation.com/the-colbert-report-videos/308101/april-29-2010/california-s-proposition-14---abel-maldonado

This is a man with a plan people, and America needs more like him. Once the two major political parties realize that the majority -albeit a slight majority - of Americans' political views lie somewhere in between the two extremes they currently cater to, then maybe we can start making some real progress in this country.

Maybe.

Monday, April 26, 2010

If hating Tim Tebow means I'm rooting against Jesus...

... then let's go Satan!

And I don't mean Miroslav. (Though this was gorgeous. I can't get enough of the NHL Playoffs!!)

This is what The Denver Post is reporting that Tebow said of his first meeting with Bronco's head coach Josh McDaniels:

"I was jacked leaving that room. I didn't even want to visit another room. It was not enough time," Tebow said. "We were excited, we were enthusiastic. There was passion. It was just intense, and it was ball, and it was juice. The juice level in that room was high, and it was awesome."
You'll notice the typical born-again Christian vernacular right off the bat: "jacked", "it was ball," "it was juice." Are these not things right out of Scott Stapp's uber-douchey mouth?!?

I hope this guy breaks his femur on the first day of practice, and if that puts me at odds with the good Lord, then so be it. The God I pray to can't possibly like Tim Tebow.

Monday, March 29, 2010

If you're not already rooting for Duke (and not many are)...

... then here is your reason:

The Strength of Nolan Smith

Not one of those ridiculous, "this person overcame every challenge under the sun while everyone was doubting him/her" stories; yet, somehow, one that goes a little deeper than all of those.

Definitely worth the read.

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

The Mixed Sixer (Part 1)

It’s been too long.

It always seems like it’s been too long. Too long since there have been regular posts in this space.

So, rather than a traditional post, what you’re about to read is a collection of things that have been on our minds lately here at the Lager, but we just never got around to posting about.

So, without further ado, The Lager presents the first installment of our new weekly series, The Mixed Sixer! So grab yourself an opener, kick back, and enjoy!

UPDATE: I GOT ABOUT HALFWAY THROUGH THE MIXED SIXER AND REALIZED I WAS ALREADY AT THE 1,200 WORD MARK. SINCE I’M NOT GOING TO SUBJECT YOU ALL TO A 2,400 WORD, SIMMONS-ESQUE DIATRIBE, THE SECOND HALF OF THE MIXED SIXER WILL BE POSTED ON THURSDAY OF THIS WEEK.

Sampling No. 1 – “I am no scientist, but... Porter”

            So, I was reading this Reuters article on Yahoo! News the other day – I know, I know, Yahoo! News?!? Look, it was sent to me by a friend.

Anyway, it was discussing the Large Hadron Collider on the French/Swiss border just outside of Geneva and how the scientists working on the project are hoping to discover Dark Matter during their experiments later this month – experiments which will feature the highest energy particle collisions ever achieved in such a setting.

(The article erroneously states the collisions will be “at the highest energy ever achieved,” without adding the clarifier “in a lab,” or something of that ilk. Might just be me, but I’m pretty sure these collisions have been achieved before. Maybe during the Big Bang, you know, if you subscribe to that theory. But I digress.)

First things first: did we learn nothing from Star Trek? Dark Matter = unstable world destroyer. Do we really want to be manufacturing the stuff in some underground lab on the Swiss/French border?

If it means France gets sucked into a black hole, never to return… then yes.

But in all seriousness, I get fairly nervous when I hear about physicists conducting these types of experiments. Physicists are crazy. Don’t think so? Well, how about we examine a quote from the guy in charge of the Collider project then, Dr. Rolf-Dieter Heuer.

In the article, in a section discussing the researchers’ hope to replicate the Higgs boson – which, as far as I can tell, is the new “politically correct” name for what I have always heard referred to as “the God Particle” – Heuer is quoted as saying:

"We know everything about this particle. The only thing we don't know is if it exists."

Excuse me?!?

So, what Dieter is telling us, essentially, is that he and his fellow scientists understand all of the many intricacies concerning an imaginary particle that they made up. Well, I should hope so!

How can you possibly know “everything” about anything if you cannot first verify whether or not that thing EVEN EXISTS!!!

Maybe this is why I cannot be a scientist. Or, maybe this is why our friend Dieter should not be a scientist. I’ll leave that call up to you, the reader.


Sampling No. 2 – “Winter White Ale”

            Why is Shaun White’s publicity team trying to make people hate him?

Here’s what I learned about Shaun during the Vancouver Games this February:

Shaun White is an absolutely incredible athlete who can do things in his sport that no one has ever dreamed of, let alone had the balls to risk life and limb trying.

He’s also bright, witty and, most importantly, humble, and all my previous animosity toward him was completely unwarranted and simply based on the fact that he was highly successful at an extremely young age and came off as, likely just because of the long red hair and the fact that he participates in the X Games, a punk.

How did I learn this?

Through watching his many interviews with Bob Costas, Stephen Colbert, or whoever he happened to be talking to on whichever particular night.

Through watching his reaction at the top of the pipe after learning that his first run’s score was good for gold, and then hearing him state his desire to ride down the middle of the pipe on his just-for-show second run with his arms up rather than showboat with an unnecessary second run of monster tricks (though, I’m glad his coach convinced him otherwise after seeing the ridiculous corked-alley-mctwist-10,000 or whatever it is you want to call what he did at the bottom of that pipe – I’ll stick with “Unbelievable”).

In fact, after the Vancouver Games yours truly became like a prophet, spreading the good word to all the Shaun White haters who still assumed he was a punk because they had missed all of what I saw during the Olympics – choosing to change the channel anytime Shaun came on, because like me once, they had an unwarranted bias against him.

And then I saw the latest Rolling Stone cover.

Which jackass on his staff allowed Shaun to go shirtless, wearing a pair of blue jeans apparently made out of the American flag, while lighting a snowboard on fire and giving the Devil’s horns, on the cover of Rolling Stone? I get that it’s “Rolling Stone” – the desperately-trying-to-still-be-edgy-even-though-we’re-mainstream-pop magazine – but c’mon!!! This guy just gained a whole mess of fans in Vancouver because he showed us he was not, in fact, a cocky, redheaded, punk, and the first thing you let him do after the games is dress up like a cocky, redheaded, punk on the cover of a major magazine?

Shaun, take my advice; gather all the people responsible for the upkeep and marketing of The Shaun White brand into one big room… and fire all their asses. Then go find yourself the people who made Michael Jordan and Tiger Woods – who are by many accounts two of the cockiest, most egotistical, punks to have ever played their respective sports – into family friendly household names. And hire them.

Trust me on this one.


Sampling No. 3 – “The best day of the year Bock”

            I feel bad for people who live in climates where it’s warm year round.

San Diego, Miami, Phoenix… residents of warm-weather cities will never have the delight of experiencing true happiness. They’ll never know pure ecstasy; real, honest-to-goodness, uncontrollable joy.

People who live in Chicago, Boston, Minneapolis, New York and Cleveland are nodding right now, because they know exactly what I’m talking about.

This feeling only comes once a year, usually sometime in mid-March or early April, manifesting on the first 50+ degree day of the spring.

Bill Simmons has written about this before – he calls it “Halter-top Day”, named for the young women who can be seen walking around any cold-weather city or town wearing semi-revealing blouses for the first time since late September. It’s a phenomenon that can only take place in cold-weather climates, and it just so happened to take place here in Boston this past weekend.

Literally anything can happen to me on the first warm, sunny day of the spring, and it’s just not going to phase me. Girlfriend or wife leaves me for another guy? Big deal. Dog dies? No problem. Car breaks down? I wanted to walk anyway. Pats, Celts, Sox and Bruins all decide to pack it in and move to either New York City or L.A.? Good riddance.

Nothing can shake me out of my good mood on the best day of the year. Why? Because I can roll down my car windows again while I’m driving and pump up my stereo.

Because when I jump up to go outside and get the paper in the morning, I can toss on my old Foo Fighters t-shirt instead of a thermal, down-feather, 178-pound, Gortex jacket.

Because for the first time since the previous October I can feel the warmth of the sun beaming down onto my pale, sun-starved skin.

Nope. Nothing can put me into a bad mood on that day, no matter how horrendous said thing may be. And that feeling doesn’t happen without the preceding four to five months of sunless, cold, wet, grey, snowy hell.

So, stick that in your pipe and smoke it San Diego.



………………… more to come on Thursday.

Thursday, February 25, 2010

U.S. Skiing's Massive Fail...

We here at the Lager have a bone to pick.


It’s been bothering us for two weeks now, but it finally came to a boiling point last night, and we can’t hold back any longer.


Back in December or January, or whenever it was that NBC started repeatedly bashing the American public over the skull with their Olympic coverage promos, one thing really struck us here at the Lager: Lindsey Vonn is a freakin’ BABE!!!


The Sports Illustrated cover, the gold medal potential… it would be fair to say we were quite smitten.


But then the games started, and the slow sinking disappointment began to set in.


See, the more we here at the Lager see of Lindsey, the less attractive she becomes. One could call it the Hilary Duff Corollary. When you first see Hilary Duff, much like when we first saw Vonn on NBC’s Olympic promos (because, let’s be honest, no-one gives a shit about any winter sports besides hockey outside of this quadrennial two week period, and if you had started asking random people on the street who Vonn was prior to December/November of 2009, 85% of them would have erroneously guessed she was an American Idol contestant), you think here’s a hot, blonde, all-American girl… what’s not to love.


Then, as you see more and more of Hilary (like with Lindsey), you start to notice all the little flaws: “Well, she’s always carried a few extra pounds,” “Have you seen her without makeup? It’s like night and day,” “You know what, they’re really not as big as I thought they were,” etc., etc. For instance, this is not the same female that is pictured here.


To make things worse, as far as we here at the Lager can tell, Vonn has roughly the same emotional disposition as a piece of driftwood. She is about as interesting/personable as pre-Ambien/fire-hydrant/sex-rehab Tiger Woods.


And she sucks at skiing to boot!


Allow us to elaborate, clearly Vonn is a world class athlete who is capable of dominating her sport – but in this post-Michael Phelps era, if you want to shine as an Olympian, you have to SHINE baby!!! A gold in one event, crashes that keep you off the podium in two more events (Giant Slalom and Super Combined), and a bronze in an event in which YOU ARE THE REIGNING WORLD CHAMPION (Super-G) is simply not going to cut it.


Now, here’s where the massive fail on the part of the U.S. Alpine team comes in; some brainiac marketing director behind team USA decided to make Vonn the face of U.S. skiing for this Olympics… WHEN THEY HAD JULIA MANCUSO RIGHT THERE!


Let’s examine:


Mancuso is HOT! Really hot! And she’s funny (see her tweets regarding Tiger Woods’ press conference last week), personable, and wears her heart on her sleeve when she races.


When she won her Silver Medal in the Super Combined she was uncontrollable – rolling around on the ground at the finish line, kicking her legs in the air and screaming – and when she finished her second attempt at her not-so-spectacular first Giant Slalom run yesterday, she collapsed in a heap at the finish line like she had just been punched in the gut.


We certainly can’t speak for the rest of the American public, but we here at the Lager enjoy it when our athletes show a little emotion. It let’s us know they’re human, and not some over-marketed, politically correct, PR-contrived hype machines.


AND, Mancuso has managed to finish in the top-10 in all four of her events! Two Silver medals, an 8th place finish in Giant Slalom despite yesterday’s fiasco one her first run, and a 9th place finish in the Super-G.


Look, we get that Mancuso has performed at a higher level than expected, and Vonn at a lower level than expected – but not by a whole lot in either case. We also get that as a marketing/PR person with the U.S. Olympic team, you have to market Vonn, she’s your star… BUT, why not market both of them as a pair? Aren’t two hot skiing chicks (well, one hot skiing chick and one masquerading as a hot skiing chick), both who have a chance at medaling, going to attract more viewers than one?


By making it all about Vonn, the U.S. Alpine team marketing people, or whoever, have made it quite difficult for U.S. fans to feel good about the U.S. ski team if Vonn isn’t performing at a high level, a dilemma that was highlighted by Mancuso’s recent comments on the subject, in which she said that, “People (athletes on the U.S. team) are having a hard time reaching their potential because it's such a struggle for attention. You come to meetings after races and it's like it's a bad day if Lindsey didn't do well."


This dynamic is further examined in this Howard Bryant piece for ESPN.com, but the main point is that the U.S. Alpine Skiing team is having one of its best showings in Winter Olympic history, but the casual fan isn’t grasping that fact because all the focus from fans and media alike is on Vonn and her struggles. Why? Because that’s what was force fed to us for the last three months, Lindsey Vonn, Lindsey Vonn, Lindsey Vonn!


So, we here at The Lager feel for ya Julia, this Olympics should not have been the Lindsey Vonn show. So to the marketing idiot at NBC/the Team U.S.A. marketing department who screwed this one up, we would like to issue a simple “Nice job, dickhead.”


And to Julia, we just want to let you know that it’s not all about Lindsey all the time, because at the very least you’ve gained a few fans, fans who normally don’t even like skiing, but who will now follow you for the rest of your career as a direct result of Vonn-fest 2010: all of us here at the Lager.

Saturday, January 16, 2010

Wacko for Who?

The following is inexplicable:

(from ESPN.com)

_____________________________________________________

Getting the 'W'

It's not always pretty, but Ravens QB Joe Flacco knows how to win in the postseason.
Here is a look at his career statistics in the postseason.

Opponent Yards TD INT Passer rating W/L
Miami Dolphins 135 0 0 59.1 W
Tennessee Titans 161 1 0 89.4 W
Pittsburgh Steelers 141 0 3 18.2 L
New England Patriots 34 0 1 10.0 W
Totals 471 1 4 44.2 (avg.) 3-1

________________________________________________________

And I'm supposed to believe this guy has a shot at beating Peyton Manning and the Colts?

Congrats to the Indianapolis Colts on another AFC Championship appearance.