Boston Lager

The Walker, and other people at the office who drive me bananas

2012-01-27T14:24:00.000-05:00

There is an old, weird dude who works in my office.

You know the type; seems perfectly nice, decent worker - but he just has that weird vibe about him and he does these odd, idiosyncratic things that make you want to hate him.

Well, this afternoon a new wrinkle was added to my growing case against this guy: HE'S A WALKER!

If you work at any mostly sedentary office job, you're familiar with the group of people to whom I refer. These are the older, out of shape employees - who range from slightly overweight to morbidly obese - who spend their lunch breaks on "walks" to stay active and presumably drop the pounds.

They are also the same people who believe this walk entitles them to the extra bag of BBQ Fritos that didn't get eaten at a lunch meeting in one of the conference rooms. Look here jackass, either get serious about losing the thunder thighs or just admit that you're fine with being fat - stop the charade, cause it's pissing me off.

Anyway, normally I can somewhat deal with the walkers because I don't have to see them partake in said walking. But today it was raining out, so Old Weird Dude has spent his entire frigging lunch break doing laps around a group of cubicles - AND I'VE REACHED THE TIPPING POINT!!! I swear to all things holy that I'm tripping his turtle-necked, mustachioed ass on the next pass and then beating him to death with an industrial printer cartridge - SO HELP ME GOD!

However, this has gotten me to thinking - who are the other people in the office that secretly drive a rational, free-thinking, normal human being completely ape-shit?

Now, for clarification, I'm not talking about the people who outwardly drive their normal co-workers insane - like the middle-aged lady who has a 45-minute conversation with her "girlfriend" at maximum volume every day at 2:25 that only ends because those in the cubes around her have elevated the volume of their ahem-ing and harrumphing to the point where it can no longer be ignored. What I'm focusing on here is those people who you are otherwise all right with, except for the fact that you secretly want to bash their skull in with a sledgehammer for some completely inane reason. If that explanation doesn't make sense to you, you haven't worked an office-job for long enough.

So far, I've got the walkers, the "hipster aunts" - you know, the middle-aged, childless women who will routinely try to connect with their younger co-workers and prove their hipness by recanting stories about the "cool" things they have accompanied their nieces and/or nephews to (note that there are NO "hipster uncles") - and the otherwise not bad chick who wants to educate everyone about reducing their carbon footprints and saving the environment.

But I know there are more I'm leaving out, so I'm asking for your assistance. What you got?

'Tis the season...

2011-12-20T14:22:00.002-05:00

December20.

Peoplebailing on work early, fighting traffic, driving aggressively, flipping thebird to young children, guzzling coffee and energy drinks by the gallon,crowding malls and outlets, cussing, cursing, blaspheming... and jingling allthe way!

YesVirginia, theHell-idays are upon us like Herman Cain on a cocktail waitress at the GOP ChristmasBall. And along with them, all that precious, cherished family togetherness we…ahem… relish all year long.

That’sright, the time of the season for cheek pinching geriatrics, awkward inquiriesinto your personal life, bad stories about your second cousins new career as amartial arts instructor, and uncomfortable and alarming amounts of time spentwith those “special” family members and friends you simply “tolerate,” is here!

That’swhy this year, we here at the Boston Lager have come up with a few new holiday “games” that you, our readers, can employ, along with ahealthy dose of Jack Daniels, to help you get through your family Christmas/Hanukkah/Festivusgatherings.

So,without further ado, The Lager Emergency Situation Management Departmentproudly presents – Holiday DrinkingGames 2011:

Not-So-SilentNight:

Aholiday classic, this yuletide drinkinggame is for those of us whose family patriarchs and matriarchs have beenblessed with the… umm… gift… of unnatural longevity.

Therules are quite simple; every time Aunt Phyllis, who is fortunate enough to becelebrating her 84^th Christmas this year, audibly passes gas at thedinner table, it’s time to drink!!!

IfAunt Phyllis neglects to excuse herself because she thinks no one heard theearth shattering cacophony that was just released from her rectum – probablydue to the fact her hearing aid battery is on its’ last legs and is emitting aneardrum-piercing buzzing sound to alert her it needs charging, one which isaudible to everyone except… surprise, Aunt Phyllis – then drink two!

What’sthat you say? Aunt Phyllis just sharted!?! Well then friends, time to finishyour drinks before going to grab the Rug Doctor™ and breaking out a fresh canof Febreeze!

Awarning to those of you who will have multiple relatives over the age of 65present at your gathering: you might want to avoid a heavy hand when mixingyour drinks, because too many Aunt Phyllises around could mean you’ll bethe one needing the adult diapers by the end of the night.

Andremember, we’re talking audible gaseous releases here. SBDs don’t count. For moreon those fun nuggets, see Do You Smell What I Smell.

FelizNavi-Dad:

Youthink you hate these god damn Christmas gatherings?!?

Wellmy friend, your distaste for the obligatory family holidayparty has got nothing on Dear Old Dad’s utter loathing of the event.

Everyyear right around the end of December – you know, just when yearly reports arecoming due at work and the damn (fill-in-the-local-NFL-team-name)s are about toblow their chance at the Wild Card – Dad is catapulted into his own personalHell that is the holiday season.

Especiallyif the gathering in question is taking place in HIS HOUSE, you know, just to caphis friggin’ year off.

See,it’s right around this time when all of Dad’s favorite people start turning up– in-laws, kids, free-loading cousins, great uncles who spout out things like“Willy, how about you go get your uncle Charlie a beer,” even though Dadstopped going by Willy when he was roughly 11-years old, and that guy he alwaysgets stuck talking to about work in the living room for roughly 27 hours.

Todayis just not Dad’s day, and to top it all off he’s got Mom barking orders at himfrom the kitchen!

Therules here are a bit more complex, and they leave some room for improvisation,since all Dads are basically the same, yet undeniably unique at the same time.

Firstand foremost, the game begins when Dad starts drinkingfor the day. Sometimes this can be as early as 8 am, when Dad crumbles underthe weight of the impending chaos that will soon descend upon his house andstarts dumping the Bailey’s into his second cup of coffee.

Fromthat point forward all participants must keep pace with Dad.

Forevery drink he knocks down to get himself through his misery, each player mustfinish at least half of a drink – but with the other rules in effect, makingsure you’ve downed half a drink for every one of dad’s will be the least ofyour worries.

Inaddition, the rules mandate that all participants down a shot of tequila (it iscalled Feliz Navi-Dad, after all) each time one of the following occurrencestakes place:

Dad is caught mumbling curse words under his breath or is overheard talking to himself (Note: this oftentimes manifests during trips outside or to the garage to empty the trash bin).
Dad makes “the face”. And don’t pretend you don’t know what we’re talking about.
Dad makes a “joke” about “dragging someone to the middle of nowhere and leaving them for dead”.
Dad is generally clueless as to what just happened, because he stopped paying attention to the conversation 8-minutes ago and is instead trying to concentrate on making Aunt Joanna’s head explode with his thoughts.

Here’swhere there’s some room for creativity. There are two “Wild-card” rules you cancustom-tailor for your own father!!!

Dad’sgot a favorite curse-word? Fantastic! Tequila shots for all each time the wordis uttered over the course of the day!

Dad’sforced into doing a dramatic reading of “Twas the Night Before Christmas” everyyear? Stupendous! Have the Cuervo ready to go for each time Dad decides toincorporate his own “interpretation” of the poem and stray from the traditionalscript!

Onetequila, two tequila, three tequila… floor!

Indeed.

Rudolph, your Red-faced Druncle

Oh… the druncle!

For those unfamiliar with the term, it’s the compound wordcreated to describe your drunken uncle. You know the one we’re talking about.The loud one who showed up with the 30-rack of Bud Ice, is currently crackingoff-color jokes within earshot of Nana, and took it upon himself to comment onthe size of your new lady friend’s chest as you introduced her.

There are two types of druncles in this world, the endearingvariety, and the variety you’d like to take out back and beat with a rubberhose. Either way, both types are going to be the catalyst for multipleawkward/embarrassing/fantastic moments during any holiday gathering, and that’swhat makes this game so enjoyably simple!

There’s just one rule: anytime the druncle participates insome form of jackass-ery that results in an awkward/embarrassing moment, you’redrinking!

The druncle just asked your sister’s long-time boyfriend ifhis V-neck sweater means he’s finally out of the closet? Mazel Tov!

The druncle asked Great Aunt Judy how she “really” broke herhip? Sláinte!

The druncle alerts you to the fact that, “Nana may becarrying a load in her Depends™, go stand next to her and take a whiff?”Cheers!

And add a bonus drink if any of the druncle’s commentsactually lead to a verbal (or physical!) altercation – which will most likely bewith the Holiday gathering noob who hasn’t quite yet learned that it’s best tojust let it go.

Speaking of letting it go… that brings us to our final 2011Holiday Drinking Game:

Do You Smell WhatI Smell?

Whether it’s the pungent potpourri of Nana’s Depends™, theformaldehyde fumes surrounding Great Uncle Albert, or the sweet scent of dinnerburning in the oven, holiday gatherings offer an olfactory experience like noother.

In this game, participants will be asked to identify thevarious and sundry smells floating through the house during the holidaygathering, drawing on the classic Christmas Carol, “Do You Hear What I Hear?” Acorrect identification and you get to dole out a drink to a fellow participant,while an incorrect guess will leave you taking a sip of your own.

This is a gentleman’s game, and requires participants tofirst engage a fellow player with the question, “Do you smell what I smell?”The player that has been asked the question is then allowed the first guess atthe mystery odor, with turns alternating until both parties agree that thecorrect source has been identified!

For example:

Player A: “Do you smell what I smell?”

Player B: “Do I smell what you smell? (sniff, sniff) A burp,a burp, coming from Aunt Anne, smells like eggnog and marzipan?”

Player A: Smells like eggnog and marzipan. I drink!”

And so it goes.

Well,that concludes this year’s edition of The Lager Emergency Situation ManagementDepartment’s Holiday DrinkingGames. We sincerely hope these games are instrumental in helping you throughyour own personal holiday hell!

Andremember, if the games happen get a little out of hand, the fruitcake isunparalleled in its alcohol absorbency.

HappyHolidays!

Big Perks

2011-12-14T15:19:00.000-05:00

We've all seen it happen, if it hasn't in fact happened to us.

Guy breaks up with his longtime girlfriend, who is pretty cool by most accounts and all of his friends actually like, to play the field, chase some hotter chick, etc. He fails to get the hot chick, or does for a while then it fizzles out, or he plays the field for a few months and has a blast, but eventually it's going to get old.

Then, 6 to 8 months go by - he's getting tired of being single at this point - and he runs into his ex at a bar somewhere. She has lost that little bit of extra weight she had always carried around, bought herself a whole new wardrobe, and looks smoking hot. He goes over to talk to her, and she is not only still cool, but also has come into some money via some distant rich relative dying and is about to embark on an all-expense paid 3-month sightseeing trip around the world... with her new douchebag boyfriend who plays right wing for the Providence Bruins.

This sends our guy into a deep, dark, month-long depression.

At this point you might be asking yourself where I'm going with this. Well, let me show you:

Kendrick Perkins lost 31-lbs this offseason!!!

If Perk starts beast-ing on people all of a sudden because he can finally get up and down the court without looking like he's moving at the same speed as a scrambling Tom Brady, I'm growing [an even more ridiculous] beard and going on suicide watch until July.

God's son returns?

2011-12-13T12:44:00.005-05:00

Did you hear this rumor yet!!!!

The one where Timothy Richard Tebow broke up Lindsey Vonn's marriage and is now dating her?

That's right. A rumor that the should-have-been-aborted-miracle-baby, born-again Christian, Filipino circumcising, saving-himself-for-marriage, inaccurate as all hell, starting Bronco's QB has landed super hot US Olympian Alpine goddess Lindsey Vonn.

Some guys have all the luck.

If this is somehow true (it's not, if there is a fair and loving God, this is not true), then the debate is over. Tebow is the second-coming of Christ, and this time he's decided "You know what, I'm Jesus fucking Christ! Sure, I'll prepare the army of the Lord for judgement day in 2012, but I'll be damned if I don't get to have a little fun along the way this time around!"

Screw it. As discussed here previously, Julia Mancuso is my favorite hot US winter Olympian anyway. (Nastia Liukin gets the summer and overall titles).

Legendary beings and life's lessons learned...

2011-11-01T15:25:00.001-04:00

My youngest brother will occasionally send his random thoughts and musings out to a collection of friends via mass text message. He calls these his "Fun Facts of the Day".

The thoughts are generally Confucius-esque revelations aimed at unraveling life's greatest mysteries. Why are SBD's so deadly? Is double-dipping acceptable if you took the last chip? Why don't they make toilets the same height as barstools? He generally writes these while sitting on the throne - you get the picture by now I'm sure.

This morning, he sent one that simply required re-posting here:

"FFOTD: The Fun Fact's list of some mythical creatures:

Bigfoot*
The Loch Ness Monster*
Dragons (fire-bretahing)*
Mermaids*
Sane Women
Unicorns*
Pokemon*

* = may actually be real"

They learn so fast!

HERE'S CARSON!!!!

2011-10-19T13:49:00.001-04:00

Here indeed.

In case you've been living under an NFL rock for the past 48-hours, former USC Trojan and Cincinnati Bengals quarterback Carson Palmer - who refused to report to play for the Bengals this season and has been demanding a trade since the end of the Bengals 4-12 2010 campaign - has finally gotten his wish.

The Oakland Raiders, after losing starting quarterback Jason Campbell to injury on Sunday for what could be the remainder of the season, have traded a 1st round pick in the 2012 draft and a 2nd round 2013 pick (which has the potential to become a 1st rounder) for Palmer.

Palmer, who sports an 86.9 career passer rating and has twice thrown for over 4,000 yards in a season (falling just short twice more with 3,836 yards in the 2005 season and 3,970 yards last season), is somewhat of an NFL enigma. After leading an upstart 11-5 Bengals team to the postseason in 2005, a season in which he threw for 32 touchdowns and only 12 interceptions, Palmer's knee was essentially torn apart on a hit sustained in the team's first-round playoff loss to the Pittsburgh Steelers.

Now, 5 seasons and an elbow reconstruction later, the quarterback who was once thought to be the next "elite" NFL passer has never been quite able to attain that same level of success.

This afternoon my buddy Steve and I were having a conversation regarding the QB and what this means for Oakland, and I think the back-and-forth really sums up the myriad of feelings one can have on Palmer and the trade, as well as how much is riding on this season relating to the context in which Palmer's career is ultimately viewed. So, without further ado, here is the convo:

Steve: Palmer is expected to start on Sunday.

Me: Ohhhhhhhh Yaaaaaaaaa.

Steve: Palmer is such a bum. I can't believe, CAN'T BELIEVE, that the Raiders gave a 1st-rounder, and possibly two 1st rounders, to get him. What a fuckin' joke.

Me: I agree that they overpaid. However, it cannot be ignored that this guy was once mentioned in the same breath as Brady, Manning and Brees.

Steve: Was. When he left he was more like a bum.

Me: The injuries and just being stuck in that horrendous franchise clearly had a huge impact on his game. I'm curious to see what a change of scenery might do for him. I've always like Carson Palmer and would like to see him succeed.

Steve: Funny, you used a similar excuse for Ocho-stinko. Carson sucks.

Me: I don't deny that. It was clearly too late for Chad. He needed to get out two seasons ago. However, QBs have a longer shelf life, and I think Carson might still be salvageable. Clearly, as evidenced by his refusal to play for the Bengals, he knew he needed a change of scenery. Now that he's gotten one, let's see what he does with it.

Steve: Na.

Me: Ya.

Steve: Ya, like Oakland is the place to be.

Me: I will wager he takes Oakland to the post-season.

Steve: They are winning their division already. If they don't go, it's his fault.

Me: They still have to contend with the Chargers, who always make a late season rally.

Steve: Ya.

Me: I say, if he can come in without any training camp, prep time to learn the offense, or familiarity with the receivers and get them to the playoffs, that is a massive accomplishment.

Steve: In a division with only one other contender, maybe, but not enough to change my opinion. The post-season is where he is at his suckiest.

Me: We shall see. I'm using the Rocky IV corollary here: "If I can change, and you can change, maybe Carson Palmer can change."

Steve: Na.

Me: Only time will tell.

Scowl no more... for better or worse...

2011-02-24T18:36:00.005-05:00

I haven't posted here in a long time.

And it's not fair for this, my first post in such a lengthy span, to be what this post is - which is therapy, in the form of the written word. But, alas, Kendrick Perkins was traded today.

In return for he and Nate Robinson, the green got former C's draft pick Jeff Green - who was immediately traded during the 2007 draft for Ray Allen - and Nenad Krstic.

I need to get this out there right off the bat; I unabashedly love Kendrick Perkins. He lays it all out every night, does whatever is asked of him, is a beast on D and on the boards, and in his seven seasons out of Clifton J. Ozen High School in Texas, has never committed a foul.

Kendrick, I will always remember you with a scowl.

With that said, after spending quite a bit of time trying to wrap my head around this trade, this is what I've come up with:

If you're a Celtics fan, your opinion on this trade depends almost entirely on how you felt about the C's chances of bringing another championship home this year.

I, for one, thought that they could. They have given us no reason to doubt them. They have beaten the Heat three times. They have performed very well against all of the top teams in both conferences. Why would that level of success not continue?

Yes, certain teams in the East got better recently (the Knicks and the Nets, but only one of those teams matters come playoff time). Yes, the Celts need to stay healthy to win it this year, and they are (or were) currently banged up. I still think they had a better than decent shot.

Without Perk, I don't think that shot is as good. Who replaces his boards and D come playoff time? Who D's up Dwight and Boozer? (And even Amare if he's on the post?) And the big advantage the Celts had over the Heat (the size and strength of their frontcourt), takes a hit.

The Celts now have to rely on Shaq as their starting center going into the playoffs. How did that work out for Cleveland last year?

And Troy Murphy - who the Celts are rumored to be getting once his contract is bought out by Golden State - is not Perk. Neither is Rasheed Wallace. Neither is Krstic. And I don't believe Jermaine O'Neal will be healthy enough at any point this season to truly make any significant contributions, and even if he is, does no one remember the stink bomb he turned in during that Heat series last year?

Now, I have long been accused of overrating Perk (my buddy Steve will tell you this as soon as Perkins' name is brought up). I hope that's true. And it might be.

The more I think about it (and my opinion is still morphing even as I write this), I mean, it's not inconceivable that the Celtics still make it through the East without Perk. And yes, Green will help the second unit and help spell Paul Peirce and Ray Allen. But it's definitely going to be tougher without Perk, and I'm just not sure how I feel about possibly sacrificing one of the Big Three's last championship runs for future competitiveness.

Which brings me to the future.

For the future, this trade, coupled with the draft picks gained from dealing Semih Erden and Luke Harangody to Cleveland, is a good move. I don't think there's any debating that.

Our biggest fear as Celtics fans prior to today, whether we said it or not (and a friend of mine vocalized something to this affect a few weeks ago), was that when the Big Three retired we were going to be stuck right back where we started before we got Ray and KG. A 35-win team with a pu-pu platter of young guys and no real veteran leadership.

This trade gives the C's a solid wing player who has proven he can score (Green), a few draft picks to start to build while the Big Three are phasing out, and some eventual cap space to make a big free-agent signing or two in the coming years (Dwight in 2012?).

The Celts likely weren't re-signing Perk anyway if everything we hear in the media is to be believed.

In summation, and as always, it takes a while to come around on Danny Ainge's moves, because he's normally two steps ahead of everyone else.

He is also unemotional and ruthless. He's going to take risks and do what he thinks is best for the team in the long run, which is what makes him a good GM.

It certainly does not make him a fan favorite. And in my opinion, it might have cost us a championship this year, but that remains to be seen. Either way there's no denying that this trade gives the C's the opportunity, not the certainty, to stay competitive long term. A few good draft picks and signings in the coming year and half and they could be a perennial playoff team for years after the Big Three depart.

The question is, if the C's don't win a championship this year, and they don't win one in the Rondo/Green/whoever-else-it-

is-they-get-as-an-indirect-result-of-this-trade era that follows the Big 3 era, then was it worth it?

And I honestly don't have an answer for that.

The Talented Mr. Rondo

2011-01-06T14:04:00.000-05:00

It goes without saying at this point: Rajon Rondo is the most important player on the Boston Celtics roster when it comes to both their current and future success.

His 12-10-22-6 line in last night's win over the Spurs practically cemented that statement, which has already been uttered many a time over the past year and a half, as fact. He has 46 assists in three games since returning from a seven-game layoff due to an ankle sprain sustained in the C's Christmas day loss to Orlando.

Rondo is undeniably one of the most talented and unique players in the NBA today. With that said, I'm worried about him.

Before you x-out of this window thinking this is just digging for controversy where there's nothing to be found, hear me out.

Read Forsberg's Rondo article from today.

It's stories like this that make me wonder what's going to happen to Rondo if/when Doc leaves. I think that Rondo still has a lot of untapped potential, yet I worry that without the right coach that potential will remain locked away, and he could even regress as a player. Doc is clearly a coach who has connected with Rondo and been able to motivate him and help him continuously improve his game.

When Doc says things like "He can make those shots. That's what's so frustrating to our guys: [Rondo] passed up at least six of them today, maybe seven. Rondo can make those shots. We just have to get him to take them after a miss. Because the way [the Timberwolves] guarded him tonight is the way they're going to guard him in the playoffs," you can see how important his tutelage, understanding and encouragement are to Rondo's development.

What happens when Doc leaves. Can Rondo make it to that next level without him? Is he far enough along/competitive enough to make it there on his own?

The fact that I can't even guess at the answers to those two questions worries me. We need Doc to stick around so we never have to find out what those answers are.

Skynet becomes self-aware....

2010-05-20T17:18:00.001-04:00

Calling it artificial intelligence might be a bit of a stretch, but it seems that a group of U.S. scientists have developed the world's first "artificial life form" - a synthetic bacterium.

You can read the full story here, but for the non-readers in the audience here's the skinny:

This group of scientists, headed by Dr. Craig Venter (of the J Craig Venter Institute - obviously Craig is a model of humility and has no God complex whatsoever; after all, he's just trying to become the Creator of artificial life forms), started by artificially constructing a mirror image of a bacterium's DNA from scratch. Once this artificial DNA was completed, they transplanted the genetic material into a "host cell", which was not synthetic, but an actual biological cell made the good old fashioned way, just like grand-dad used to make 'em. Once the successful transplant was complete, the host cell began to look and behave like a bacterial cell from the strain from which the DNA was copied. Except "copied" is the wrong word, because the DNA placed in the host cell was not necessarily "copied", but, as previously stated, was an exact replica, made by humans, from scratch.

What does all of this mean? Well, I don't claim to be a scientist, nor do I claim to have a full understanding of the process by which this "synthetic life form" came into being. But, as far as I can tell, what all of this means is that human beings have succeeded in creating the blueprints for life, from nothing.

I'll repeat that.

Human beings (the same species you see chowing down on McBreakfastBurritos while yapping on cell phones and driving right in the middle of what's supposed to be a two-lane highway on your ride to work every morning) have succeeded in creating the blueprints for life (as in, the divine spark that gives all living things animation), from nothing (in other words, using no previously living biological material). That's my understanding of it, at least.

Oh, and I forgot to mention that this original host cell then "replicated over a billion times, producing copies that contained and were controlled by the constructed, synthetic DNA," according to a BBC article.

The ethical, religious, scientific and moral implications of such a discovery are almost too vast to even consider. Not to mention to comprehensive and all-encompassing for a Thursday afternoon blog post, so I'm going to save those for another day in the very near future.

Just know this Dr. Craig Venter, you and all your fellow geneticist/biologist cronies are now on my "Dangerous People Who Need to be Watched" list, along with your pals the astrophysicists. I'm all for advancing the sciences and learning more about the workings of our world, but caution is sometimes too easily thrown to the wind when the hunger for fruit from the tree of knowledge becomes too overpowering. Just ask Adam.

And know that I'll be watching you.

Today, redemption is spelled S-H-E-E-D...

2010-05-14T14:54:00.000-04:00

Well, at least he's on the path, anyway.

Tony Allen too. I actually sent the following text message to a friend last night (and those of you who know me understand the contempt in which I hold Tony):

"Fantastic game so far. TONY ALLEN has been a force this series, and tonight is no exception."

There's really nothing more to say. The Celts were great last night, and they are finally playing like the team they should be; nothing more, nothing less.

You got Rondo'd!!!!

2010-05-10T14:19:00.003-04:00

That's all I have to say.

You got Rondo'd.

You got Rondo'd.

And, oh yeah, YOU definitely got Rondo'd.

The magic show that Rajon Rondo put on yesterday afternoon easily ranks as one of the top five greatest "I'm not letting my team lose this game, no effing way" performances I've witnessed in my lifetime. Rondo would not be denied; whether it was on the boards, on defense, in transition, or driving into the paint in the half-court game, Rondo played virtually every possession to perfection.

(In case you somehow missed it, Rondo's triple-double: 29 pts, 18 rebs, 13 asts, 43% FG, and 11 of 16 FT.)

(And just because it makes me feel good, Lebron's losing effort: 22 pts, 9 rebs, 8 asts, 39% FG, 0 of 5 from behind the arc. Really, not bad, but when you compare "The Greatest Player Alive" and reigning MVP "x2's" line to Rondo's... ah, I'm just going to soak this in.)

Chris Broussard has a phenomenal column on ESPN.com reflecting on Rondo's spectacular Sunday, in which Broussard suggests that the torch of leadership on this Celtics team has been unofficially passed to the enigmatic, 6-foot-1, 24-year-old guard. The entire column is worth a read, but the point Broussard chose to end with speaks volumes:

"Rondo's excellence once again carried the Celtics when their Big Three of Garnett, Ray Allen and Paul Pierce weren't quite in sync. Garnett and Allen each provided 18 points, but they combined for only 12 in the second half and none in the fourth. And Pierce continued to melt at James' feet, scoring just nine points to drop his series average to 11.8.

But with Rondo dominating (for lack of a stronger word) with his at-will penetration, the Celtics were in good hands. The raucous TD Garden crowd recognized as much and saluted their new leader with "M-V-P'' chants while Rondo canned two free throws with 17.8 seconds left.

Afterward, Rondo was still dishing assists to his teammates, heaping praise on 30-somethings Garnett, Allen and Pierce for opening things up for him on the floor.

"My numbers tonight were what they were, but we still go through the Big Three," he said. "They're the main focal point. That's why I'm able to get so many open looks and be so aggressive."

That's no longer true. But we understand why he said it. After all, a great point guard always takes care of his supporting cast"

I think that just says it all.

Rasheed's Renaissance...

2010-05-04T12:49:00.002-04:00

Well, ladies and gentlemen, guess who finally decided to show up?

That's right, this fackin' guy.

Last night Rasheed Wallace, after many months of mulling the decision over, finally decided that he wanted to play some basketball this season. Logging 18 minutes off the bench for the Celtics in their 104-86 trouncing of the Cavs in Game 2 of the Eastern Conference Semi-finals, Sheed dropped 17 points, hit 7 of 8 shots from the field - three of which came from behind the arc - and even played what passes as inspired D, for Rasheed, at least.

Sheed carried the load for the Celts' bench last night and was a huge factor in helping secure a critical Game 2 win at the Q before KG, Paul Peirce and company head back to Boston for games 3 and 4. That said, it was one of the most frustrating Sheed performances I've watched all season.

Please, allow me to elaborate.

Rasheed's game last night proved what many have lamented all season long; the fact that Sheed can still play basketball at an elite level when, and this is the important part, he actually wants to put in the effort to try.

We have all seen plenty of evidence showcasing Sheed's laziness and general disinterest in anything but launching up bad 3s over the course of the season, but until last night there was a part of me that thought, "Maybe Sheed just isn't the player we think he is anymore, maybe age and multiple deep playoff runs have had more of an effect on him than we know." I knew his work ethic/reluctance to play the post was a large chunk of the problem, but a small part of me thought that maybe his game had declined more drastically than we imagined as a result of the extended time away he spent with injuries in 2008-2009. But, with last night's performance, that manufactured excuse for Sheed's lackluster season loses all credibility and it becomes completely apparent that he just hasn't been trying.

And the truly amazing thing about last night was how effortless Sheed made it all look.

It begs the question, had Sheed actually given a shit all year long, could the Celts have been in contention for the 1-seed in the East? Probably not, since there were issues other than Sheed's disinterest contributing to the Celts poor second half of the regular season, but it's definitely an interesting question to consider.

But, I suppose there's no use dwelling on the past. The short of it is, that in order for the Celtics to have a chance at winning any series from here on out, Sheed has to be able to sustain the level of play he displayed last night. If he can manage that, who knows what the ceiling for this squad is?

Sheed, it was nice to have you back. Here's to hoping you decide to stick around.

Why I love Rajon Rondo, in a nutshell...

2010-05-03T13:01:00.001-04:00

Today's Boston Herald feature's a piece suggesting that Rajon Rondo is the key to the Celts chances at beating Cleveland, as the Celts have become so reliant on his penetration creating open looks for Ray and Paul.

It's a solid article (you can read it in it's entirety here), but what really caught my eye was this quote from Rondo himself:

The Cavaliers believe that switching 6-foot-6 Anthony Parker onto him forced the alteration [in his second half play] in the 6-1 Rondo.

“They do?” said Rondo. “That’s their opinion. I don’t see the first guy. I’m looking at the second line of defense, regardless of who they put on me. I’ve seen him before. I don’t think it’s going to stop anything.”

Rajon truly believes that he can take on the world and win - and on his best nights, he can. The last guy the Celts had with that kind of unfailing self-confidence and, truth be told, arrogance, was... Larry Bird.

Just sayin'.

Finally, an idea I can get behind....

2010-04-30T15:13:00.000-04:00

Well, here it is. Two solid years into the existence of the blog, and I'm caving and posting something about poltics.

Check out what California's Lt. Governor Abel Maldonado had to say about a new proposition on the California ballot that might be one of the best plans I've heard yet to reel in this country's out-of-control political parties whose continued courtship of extremists has contributed to record numbers of Americans registering as independents.

http://www.colbertnation.com/the-colbert-report-videos/308101/april-29-2010/california-s-proposition-14---abel-maldonado

This is a man with a plan people, and America needs more like him. Once the two major political parties realize that the majority -albeit a slight majority - of Americans' political views lie somewhere in between the two extremes they currently cater to, then maybe we can start making some real progress in this country.

Maybe.

If hating Tim Tebow means I'm rooting against Jesus...

2010-04-26T12:46:00.000-04:00

... then let's go Satan!

And I don't mean Miroslav. (Though this was gorgeous. I can't get enough of the NHL Playoffs!!)

This is what The Denver Post is reporting that Tebow said of his first meeting with Bronco's head coach Josh McDaniels:

"I was jacked leaving that room. I didn't even want to visit another room. It was not enough time," Tebow said. "We were excited, we were enthusiastic. There was passion. It was just intense, and it was ball, and it was juice. The juice level in that room was high, and it was awesome."

You'll notice the typical born-again Christian vernacular right off the bat: "jacked", "it was ball," "it was juice." Are these not things right out of Scott Stapp's uber-douchey mouth?!?

I hope this guy breaks his femur on the first day of practice, and if that puts me at odds with the good Lord, then so be it. The God I pray to can't possibly like Tim Tebow.

If you're not already rooting for Duke (and not many are)...

2010-03-29T13:45:00.001-04:00

... then here is your reason:

The Strength of Nolan Smith

Not one of those ridiculous, "this person overcame every challenge under the sun while everyone was doubting him/her" stories; yet, somehow, one that goes a little deeper than all of those.

Definitely worth the read.

The Mixed Sixer (Part 1)

2010-03-09T16:32:00.004-05:00

It’s been too long.

It always seems like it’s been too long. Too long since there have been regular posts in this space.

So, rather than a traditional post, what you’re about to read is a collection of things that have been on our minds lately here at the Lager, but we just never got around to posting about.

So, without further ado, The Lager presents the first installment of our new weekly series, The Mixed Sixer! So grab yourself an opener, kick back, and enjoy!

UPDATE: I GOT ABOUT HALFWAY THROUGH THE MIXED SIXER AND REALIZED I WAS ALREADY AT THE 1,200 WORD MARK. SINCE I’M NOT GOING TO SUBJECT YOU ALL TO A 2,400 WORD, SIMMONS-ESQUE DIATRIBE, THE SECOND HALF OF THE MIXED SIXER WILL BE POSTED ON THURSDAY OF THIS WEEK.

Sampling No. 1 – “I am no scientist, but... Porter”

So, I was reading this Reuters article on Yahoo! News the other day – I know, I know, Yahoo! News?!? Look, it was sent to me by a friend.

Anyway, it was discussing the Large Hadron Collider on the French/Swiss border just outside of Geneva and how the scientists working on the project are hoping to discover Dark Matter during their experiments later this month – experiments which will feature the highest energy particle collisions ever achieved in such a setting.

(The article erroneously states the collisions will be “at the highest energy ever achieved,” without adding the clarifier “in a lab,” or something of that ilk. Might just be me, but I’m pretty sure these collisions have been achieved before. Maybe during the Big Bang, you know, if you subscribe to that theory. But I digress.)

First things first: did we learn nothing from Star Trek? Dark Matter = unstable world destroyer. Do we really want to be manufacturing the stuff in some underground lab on the Swiss/French border?

If it means France gets sucked into a black hole, never to return… then yes.

But in all seriousness, I get fairly nervous when I hear about physicists conducting these types of experiments. Physicists are crazy. Don’t think so? Well, how about we examine a quote from the guy in charge of the Collider project then, Dr. Rolf-Dieter Heuer.

In the article, in a section discussing the researchers’ hope to replicate the Higgs boson – which, as far as I can tell, is the new “politically correct” name for what I have always heard referred to as “the God Particle” – Heuer is quoted as saying:

"We know everything about this particle. The only thing we don't know is if it exists."

Excuse me?!?

So, what Dieter is telling us, essentially, is that he and his fellow scientists understand all of the many intricacies concerning an imaginary particle that they made up. Well, I should hope so!

How can you possibly know “everything” about anything if you cannot first verify whether or not that thing EVEN EXISTS!!!

Maybe this is why I cannot be a scientist. Or, maybe this is why our friend Dieter should not be a scientist. I’ll leave that call up to you, the reader.

Sampling No. 2 – “Winter White Ale”

Why is Shaun White’s publicity team trying to make people hate him?

Here’s what I learned about Shaun during the Vancouver Games this February:

Shaun White is an absolutely incredible athlete who can do things in his sport that no one has ever dreamed of, let alone had the balls to risk life and limb trying.

He’s also bright, witty and, most importantly, humble, and all my previous animosity toward him was completely unwarranted and simply based on the fact that he was highly successful at an extremely young age and came off as, likely just because of the long red hair and the fact that he participates in the X Games, a punk.

How did I learn this?

Through watching his many interviews with Bob Costas, Stephen Colbert, or whoever he happened to be talking to on whichever particular night.

Through watching his reaction at the top of the pipe after learning that his first run’s score was good for gold, and then hearing him state his desire to ride down the middle of the pipe on his just-for-show second run with his arms up rather than showboat with an unnecessary second run of monster tricks (though, I’m glad his coach convinced him otherwise after seeing the ridiculous corked-alley-mctwist-10,000 or whatever it is you want to call what he did at the bottom of that pipe – I’ll stick with “Unbelievable”).

In fact, after the Vancouver Games yours truly became like a prophet, spreading the good word to all the Shaun White haters who still assumed he was a punk because they had missed all of what I saw during the Olympics – choosing to change the channel anytime Shaun came on, because like me once, they had an unwarranted bias against him.

And then I saw the latest Rolling Stone cover.

Which jackass on his staff allowed Shaun to go shirtless, wearing a pair of blue jeans apparently made out of the American flag, while lighting a snowboard on fire and giving the Devil’s horns, on the cover of Rolling Stone? I get that it’s “Rolling Stone” – the desperately-trying-to-still-be-edgy-even-though-we’re-mainstream-pop magazine – but c’mon!!! This guy just gained a whole mess of fans in Vancouver because he showed us he was not, in fact, a cocky, redheaded, punk, and the first thing you let him do after the games is dress up like a cocky, redheaded, punk on the cover of a major magazine?

Shaun, take my advice; gather all the people responsible for the upkeep and marketing of The Shaun White brand into one big room… and fire all their asses. Then go find yourself the people who made Michael Jordan and Tiger Woods – who are by many accounts two of the cockiest, most egotistical, punks to have ever played their respective sports – into family friendly household names. And hire them.

Trust me on this one.

Sampling No. 3 – “The best day of the year Bock”

I feel bad for people who live in climates where it’s warm year round.

San Diego, Miami, Phoenix… residents of warm-weather cities will never have the delight of experiencing true happiness. They’ll never know pure ecstasy; real, honest-to-goodness, uncontrollable joy.

People who live in Chicago, Boston, Minneapolis, New York and Cleveland are nodding right now, because they know exactly what I’m talking about.

This feeling only comes once a year, usually sometime in mid-March or early April, manifesting on the first 50+ degree day of the spring.

Bill Simmons has written about this before – he calls it “Halter-top Day”, named for the young women who can be seen walking around any cold-weather city or town wearing semi-revealing blouses for the first time since late September. It’s a phenomenon that can only take place in cold-weather climates, and it just so happened to take place here in Boston this past weekend.

Literally anything can happen to me on the first warm, sunny day of the spring, and it’s just not going to phase me. Girlfriend or wife leaves me for another guy? Big deal. Dog dies? No problem. Car breaks down? I wanted to walk anyway. Pats, Celts, Sox and Bruins all decide to pack it in and move to either New York City or L.A.? Good riddance.

Nothing can shake me out of my good mood on the best day of the year. Why? Because I can roll down my car windows again while I’m driving and pump up my stereo.

Because when I jump up to go outside and get the paper in the morning, I can toss on my old Foo Fighters t-shirt instead of a thermal, down-feather, 178-pound, Gortex jacket.

Because for the first time since the previous October I can feel the warmth of the sun beaming down onto my pale, sun-starved skin.

Nope. Nothing can put me into a bad mood on that day, no matter how horrendous said thing may be. And that feeling doesn’t happen without the preceding four to five months of sunless, cold, wet, grey, snowy hell.

So, stick that in your pipe and smoke it San Diego.

………………… more to come on Thursday.

U.S. Skiing's Massive Fail...

2010-02-25T16:53:00.005-05:00

We here at the Lager have a bone to pick.

It’s been bothering us for two weeks now, but it finally came to a boiling point last night, and we can’t hold back any longer.

Back in December or January, or whenever it was that NBC started repeatedly bashing the American public over the skull with their Olympic coverage promos, one thing really struck us here at the Lager: Lindsey Vonn is a freakin’ BABE!!!

The Sports Illustrated cover, the gold medal potential… it would be fair to say we were quite smitten.

But then the games started, and the slow sinking disappointment began to set in.

See, the more we here at the Lager see of Lindsey, the less attractive she becomes. One could call it the Hilary Duff Corollary. When you first see Hilary Duff, much like when we first saw Vonn on NBC’s Olympic promos (because, let’s be honest, no-one gives a shit about any winter sports besides hockey outside of this quadrennial two week period, and if you had started asking random people on the street who Vonn was prior to December/November of 2009, 85% of them would have erroneously guessed she was an American Idol contestant), you think here’s a hot, blonde, all-American girl… what’s not to love.

Then, as you see more and more of Hilary (like with Lindsey), you start to notice all the little flaws: “Well, she’s always carried a few extra pounds,” “Have you seen her without makeup? It’s like night and day,” “You know what, they’re really not as big as I thought they were,” etc., etc. For instance, this is not the same female that is pictured here.

To make things worse, as far as we here at the Lager can tell, Vonn has roughly the same emotional disposition as a piece of driftwood. She is about as interesting/personable as pre-Ambien/fire-hydrant/sex-rehab Tiger Woods.

And she sucks at skiing to boot!

Allow us to elaborate, clearly Vonn is a world class athlete who is capable of dominating her sport – but in this post-Michael Phelps era, if you want to shine as an Olympian, you have to SHINE baby!!! A gold in one event, crashes that keep you off the podium in two more events (Giant Slalom and Super Combined), and a bronze in an event in which YOU ARE THE REIGNING WORLD CHAMPION (Super-G) is simply not going to cut it.

Now, here’s where the massive fail on the part of the U.S. Alpine team comes in; some brainiac marketing director behind team USA decided to make Vonn the face of U.S. skiing for this Olympics… WHEN THEY HAD JULIA MANCUSO RIGHT THERE!

Let’s examine:

Mancuso is HOT! Really hot! And she’s funny (see her tweets regarding Tiger Woods’ press conference last week), personable, and wears her heart on her sleeve when she races.

When she won her Silver Medal in the Super Combined she was uncontrollable – rolling around on the ground at the finish line, kicking her legs in the air and screaming – and when she finished her second attempt at her not-so-spectacular first Giant Slalom run yesterday, she collapsed in a heap at the finish line like she had just been punched in the gut.

We certainly can’t speak for the rest of the American public, but we here at the Lager enjoy it when our athletes show a little emotion. It let’s us know they’re human, and not some over-marketed, politically correct, PR-contrived hype machines.

AND, Mancuso has managed to finish in the top-10 in all four of her events! Two Silver medals, an 8^th place finish in Giant Slalom despite yesterday’s fiasco one her first run, and a 9^th place finish in the Super-G.

Look, we get that Mancuso has performed at a higher level than expected, and Vonn at a lower level than expected – but not by a whole lot in either case. We also get that as a marketing/PR person with the U.S. Olympic team, you have to market Vonn, she’s your star… BUT, why not market both of them as a pair? Aren’t two hot skiing chicks (well, one hot skiing chick and one masquerading as a hot skiing chick), both who have a chance at medaling, going to attract more viewers than one?

By making it all about Vonn, the U.S. Alpine team marketing people, or whoever, have made it quite difficult for U.S. fans to feel good about the U.S. ski team if Vonn isn’t performing at a high level, a dilemma that was highlighted by Mancuso’s recent comments on the subject, in which she said that, “People (athletes on the U.S. team) are having a hard time reaching their potential because it's such a struggle for attention. You come to meetings after races and it's like it's a bad day if Lindsey didn't do well."

This dynamic is further examined in this Howard Bryant piece for ESPN.com, but the main point is that the U.S. Alpine Skiing team is having one of its best showings in Winter Olympic history, but the casual fan isn’t grasping that fact because all the focus from fans and media alike is on Vonn and her struggles. Why? Because that’s what was force fed to us for the last three months, Lindsey Vonn, Lindsey Vonn, Lindsey Vonn!

So, we here at The Lager feel for ya Julia, this Olympics should not have been the Lindsey Vonn show. So to the marketing idiot at NBC/the Team U.S.A. marketing department who screwed this one up, we would like to issue a simple “Nice job, dickhead.”

And to Julia, we just want to let you know that it’s not all about Lindsey all the time, because at the very least you’ve gained a few fans, fans who normally don’t even like skiing, but who will now follow you for the rest of your career as a direct result of Vonn-fest 2010: all of us here at the Lager.

Wacko for Who?

2010-01-16T10:58:00.002-05:00

The following is inexplicable:

(from ESPN.com)

_____________________________________________________

Getting the 'W'

It's not always pretty, but Ravens QB Joe Flacco knows how to win in the postseason.
Here is a look at his career statistics in the postseason.

Opponent	Yards	TD	INT	Passer rating	W/L
Miami Dolphins	135	0	0	59.1	W
Tennessee Titans	161	1	0	89.4	W
Pittsburgh Steelers	141	0	3	18.2	L
New England Patriots	34	0	1	10.0	W
Totals	471	1	4	44.2 (avg.)	3-1

________________________________________________________

And I'm supposed to believe this guy has a shot at beating Peyton Manning and the Colts?

Congrats to the Indianapolis Colts on another AFC Championship appearance.

You're so vain, you probably think this post is about you....

2009-11-16T15:38:00.012-05:00

Well, this is a rare treat.

Just three days after handing the “Ass-Clown of the Year” award to d-bag Chris Surette – whose “Walk of Shame” column is currently being specially printed onto 20 rolls of toilet paper for use in my apartment building’s public bathroom – I am blessed with the honor of handing out yet another prestigious award:

Congratulations Bill Belichick, you’re this year’s recipient of “The Arrogant Bone-headed Call of the Year Award.”

And to think, I thought it was going to Rick Pitino* …

The only possible way you can explain Belichick’s decision to go for it on 4th and 2 from his own 28 while leading by 6 last night is pure and unadulterated arrogance. Even Andy Reid knows you punt that ball and trust your defense to hold the opposition to a field goal in that situation!!!

(Though apparently Reid does not know you go for it on 4th and 1 from the opposition 1-yard line when trailing by two scores in the second quarter**.)

For anyone who might have packed it in and gone to bed after the Pats scored on the opening drive of the fourth quarter, putting them up 31-14, here’s a quick recap of what happened in the final 12:00 minutes of play:

• Peyton drives 79-yards and hits Pierre Garcon on a 29-yard touchdown strike when Leigh “Toast” Bodden bites on the pump fake.

• Pats fail to do anything with the ball on their next possession and punt.

• Peyton throws an interception on the first play of the Colts next possession. Pats drive 51-yards for a Gostkowski FG, putting them ahead 34-21 and seemingly sealing the victory with 4:12 remaining in the game.

• Peyton leads another 79-yard touchdown drive – greatly aided by a horrendous pass interference call on Pats DB Darius Butler – scoring in just 1:23 to put the Colts within 6 with 2:23 left to play.

That’s when it happened… when Belichick inexplicably morphed into “Reid 2.0: Bigger, Bolder, Dumber.”

The Pat’s got the ball back on their own 20 after a touchback on the Pat McAfee kickoff, and before even running the first play of the drive Brady was forced to burn a timeout***.

THE FIRST PLAY OF THE DRIVE!!!

How do you take the field on the first play of a drive without knowing which play you’re going to run and which plays you can audible to depending on where the defense lines up?

So, now the Pats run their first play with only one timeout remaining, getting just under a yard on a Kevin Faulk run up the gut. Indy calls its first timeout. Brady completes an 8-yard pass to Wes Welker on second down, but he’s still 2-yards shy of the 1st down. Indy calls its second timeout. Brady tosses a short pass to Welker on 3rd down that falls incomplete. The clock stops because of the incomplete pass.

The play clock starts to tic, and the Pats face a 4th and 2 from their own 28. Belichick has roughly 15-seconds to decide whether to punt, go for it, or line up and try to draw the defense offsides and then call his remaining timeout and punt. Those are your three options as a coach in this situation.

INSTEAD of doing any of those things, Belichick calls his third and final timeout without even having his offense line up and try to draw the Colts offsides!!!

Why?!? Why Bill?!? WHY?

This is about as classic Andy Reid as it gets – indecisive play calling, squandering timeouts, just overall poor clock management.

Then, it happens. The Patriots offense returns to the field and lines up for the snap as the following conversation takes place in living rooms across New England:

Person A: What is he doing? Are they going for it?

Person B: They can’t be. They’re on their own 28. You can’t give the ball back to Manning inside the 30 with this much time left and expect him not to score. They must be trying to see if they can draw them offsides then they’ll punt.

Person A: They just used their last timeout though, they can’t make the switch. They’re going for it.

Person B: (Nervously in a low tone) They can’t be.

Person A: They are.

Person B: (Silence)…… I like it! I like the call!!! Let’s go!!!

Barack was right, the human disposition toward optimism and hope when facing seemingly insurmountable odds certainly is audacious.

There is 2:08 remaining in the game at this point. If you have a good punter – and the Patriots have a fantastic one in Chris Hanson – you have him kick it high here in order to bring the clock down to the two-minute warning. So then, you potentially have Peyton getting the ball on his own 25-40 yard-line with 2:00 minutes left and only 1 timeout.

Dangerous? Absolutely. Peyton might be one of the most dangerous quarterbacks in the game in that situation. But when the alternative is giving him the ball on your 28 with 1 timeout and the two-minute warning???

Yes, I’m aware there was another scenario in play; the one where the Pats make the first down, run out the clock, Peyton stays on the sidelines and Belichick is heralded as a “genius” once again for his gutsy play-calling. But therein lies my point.

Belichick was well aware of everything I just broke down in the previous paragraphs when he made the decision to go for it on fourth down.

He knew the potential consequences of his decision, and rather than make the simple call, the call to punt the ball, the call that the majority of coaches in the NFL would have made under the same circumstances and might have given HIS TEAM its best chance to win, he chose to make the riskier call with the potential to make HIM look like genius.

In an unapologetic display of arrogance, Belichick chose the chance for individual glory over the potential for shared victory.

If the Patriots punt the ball and manage to stop Manning and earn a win, the story in today’s headlines reads “Patriot’s 4th QTR defensive stand saves victory.”

But, if the Patriots make that first down? If Kevin Faulk doesn’t bobble the ball and gets his forward progress awarded? If Belichick had saved that one last timeout and challenged the forward progress? If the Patriots somehow get that first down, then the story in today’s headlines reads “Belichick’s gutsy call seals victory.”

Bill Belichick decided to turn 2:08 of clock into a one play game that was all about him on Sunday night, and that’s why on Monday morning he’s the proud recipient of 2009’s Arrogant Bone-headed Call of the Year Award.

Congrats Bill. Make sure you talk with Chris Surette at the after-party, he might have some pointers on how you can still pick up chicks now that you’re no longer a football genius.

___________________________________________________
*You know, for the whole get woman pregnant, force her to abort, convince assistant to marry her and pay them to keep quiet thing, Allegedly.

**See Philadelphia Eagles at San Diego Chargers, Nov. 15, 2009. Reid elected to kick a FG in this spot, as well as again in the 3rd quarter when facing a 4th and 1 from the Chargers 7-yard line. The Eagles lost by 8 points. For those of you lacking in the math department, the point differential between a FG and TD (plus PAT) is 4. The difference between the two FGs kicked on 4th and 1 instead of the TDs that could have been scored had Reid elected to go for it? 8 points.

***Now might be a good time for an NFL Replay Challenge Semantics refresher. In order to initiate a coach’s challenge in the NFL, you must have at least one time out remaining. This is because the way a coach is penalized for an incorrect challenge is via the loss of a timeout. If you could still challenge without a timeout, then what’s to prevent a coach from challenging every play after he’s burned his final timeout, he’s got nothing to lose, right? Keep this in mind as we continue.

"And this year's ass-clown of the year award goes to..."

2009-11-13T16:16:00.006-05:00

Now, usually I try to refrain from criticizing other writers’ work – nobody is perfect and we all have misfires – but I stumbled across something this morning I just couldn’t keep quiet about.

Chris Surette, a columnist for The Mirror - Fairfield University’s student newspaper - has been making headlines around the blogoshphere because the reaction this column is garnering has placed the school in some hot water.

If you haven’t read the column in question, I would strongly urge you to do so before continuing to read this post. I’ll wait….

Done? Good.

Surette’s failed attempt at a humor column is the biggest, most offensive pile of dog shit I have ever read.

I am disgusted. And not so much with the subject matter – though I think Chris’s readers get a pretty clear picture of his opinions regarding the fairer sex in the piece – but more-so with the execution of the column itself.

Look, I’m not a great writer, and I don’t claim to be – but I like to think I’m at least decent at what I do. I also happen to be a recently graduated journalism major that had a fairly well read weekly humor column in my own student newspaper for three semesters, so I like to think I know my way around humor writing a bit (though some of you will surely disagree).

The subject matter Chris has chosen to expound upon is overdone and cliché in college humor writing. Which is fine!

Half of my material throughout my career in opinion writing has been overdone and cliché. However, if you’re going to dedicate a column to an overdone and cliché topic, the redeeming value for your audience has to be either a fresh take on the subject matter, and/or SOME ACTUAL HUMOR!!!

Surette’s piece fails to accomplish either.

Its offensive, douchebag-ey (that’s right, douchebag-ey), frat boy tone and horrendous grammar and sentence structure negate any potential for humor throughout the column. As for fresh takes, the closest this disjointed, rambling, pathetic excuse for writing comes to any type of deep reflection is, “There is nothing worse than the awkward wake up next to a girl, who is not as hot as you thought she was when you were 12 deep the night before.”

And why the fuck is there a comma after “girl”? Take some grammar lessons moron. Not to mention that the structure of that particular sentence makes it slow-paced and confusing, which will completely turn off any audience member still reading.

Instead, try, “There is nothing more awkward than waking up next to a girl who was much hotter when you were 12 deep last night.” Or just don’t write that sentence at all and come up with an ORIGINAL THOUGHT. Now there’s a novelty, an original thought!!!

But now I’m just nitpicking.

My real problem is this: Chris Surette is just another dumbass, Neanderthal male in a Red Sox hat trying to be something he’s not – a writer.

Since Bill Simmons' popularity has grown (sorry Sports Guy, I’m blaming you for this one), any illiterate idiot from the Boston area who follows sports thinks they can be the next Bill Simmons.

The problem is, the majority of them are just like this kid - hacks with no writing talent whatsoever who try much too hard to be funny and/or controversial. This absolutely infuriates anyone who actually possesses some level of talent.

Why? Because with all these Simmons-wannabes flooding the internet with their filth, most people tend to immediately dismiss anyone attempting to write a sports/humor column, blog, or whatever, as a writer of the same ilk. That leaves the rest of us who are trying to break into an already oversaturated market with fewer readers and far less credibility.

So thanks, Chris, for taking a complex art form that is dear to me and pooping all over it with your feeble attempt at a humor column that was no doubt solely for the benefit of you and “your boys”.

At least I can take solace in one fact, Chris – that after the women of Fairfield read that “though many may consider you a slut after witnessing your glorious Walk of Shame, just realize that you have given this lucky guy a story he can share with others at the Grape for the rest of the year,” – I’m fairly confident that “lucky guy” isn’t going to be you anytime soon.

- Seacrest out.

Been a long time, Shouldn't have left you....

2009-10-18T08:59:00.003-04:00

Without a dope beat to step to... Step to, Ste, ste, Step to.

Or at least that's what I'm feeling like.

It's been far too long since I last posted, and I apologize. I feel like @sportsguy33, with his utter refusal to write columns anymore. That's right Simmons, I'm callin' you out.

But anyway, It's been months since my last post, so I figured I would at least post this to tell you all that, just like the little Asian Windows girl says, More Happy is Coming.

I'm hopefully going to be getting back into a routine of posting 3-5 times each week, starting today. So keep your eyes tuned to this space, cause I've got lots of rants stored up on topics ranging from the NFL to competitive eating, and check back later today for some possible live-blogging during the Pats game.

A new theory from Cunn...

2009-07-30T11:19:00.008-04:00

Since the Dawn of Time, man has been searching for the answers to the great mysteries of the universe.

Countless philosophers, thinkers, sages and priests have pondered the answers to these pivotal questions regarding human existence: Why are we here? Is there a God? What lies beyond our earthly plane?

Well, today, one of those questions has finally been answered, by none other than the greatest thinker of our time – the man who fought back at establishment by stealing sandwiches from the cafeteria at a Massachusetts State University – my good friend Cunn.

The sheer genius of this humble modern philosopher has never shone as brightly as it does in the below paragraphs, which he emailed me just last night. In these lines Cunn concisely tackles one of these great questions that has plagued mankind for centuries: Why do hot chicks date complete asswipes?

So without further ado, I give you in all his unfiltered glory, guest contributor to The Boston Lager, The man, The myth, The legend… The Cunnisher.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The D-Bag Dilemma
By Cunn

This may be the most important email I ever write to you.

I have a theory that challenges one of man's biggest mysteries....The girl dating the D-bag.

“…In humans, shyness (also called diffidence) is a social psychology term used to describe the feeling of apprehension, lack of confidence, or awkwardness experienced when a person is in proximity to, approaching, or being approached by other people, especially in new situations or with unfamiliar people…” (Wikipedia).

The phenomenon that is the D-bag that always gets the hot girl has long plagued and frustrated the regular "good" guy.

This mystery is typically expressed in the question "why do girls love to date assholes?"

We have all been there; you fall for that cute girl and you get friendly, but this asshole comes in effortlessly and gets her. While going out with her, he continuously treats her like shit, but she will not leave.

I believe I have figured out why this is so.

First, the Players:

John: The good guy, who does all the things a girl thinks are "sweet".

Giada: The girl of your dreams who you would do anything to be with; also a chef on the food network with an incredible rack....of ribs.

Roger: Simply described as the D-bag. The guy who breathes arrogance and shits ego. Public Enemy #1.

Now, lets breakdown each person a little more.

John of course is the shy one, who means nothing but good things for Giada. He does the little things that makes her say things like, "I don't know how you don't have a girlfriend," even though she is single (c*nt).

The small surprises, the occasional flowers, and the great relationship with her friends and possibly family – John is the guy that belongs with her, but he isn’t with her.

Giada is a little more complicated. To understand why, you have to look at her past.

A young teen Giada is where everything evolves from. Thanks to the sex driven society that the media has created, Giada feels the need to be, look, and feel sexy. Due to the immaturity of the teen years, Giada cannot feel like she is ever on the highest level of beauty. John thinks she is, but is so afraid to say the wrong thing and screw things up, so he never really tells her how attracted he is to her (flirting). Giada is so desperate to feel sexy that she cannot confide in John because he cannot tell her what she strives to hear.

Enter the D-bag.

Roger, being fearless due to his lack of respect for females in general, has no problem telling Giada she is hot and that he would definitely hook up with her. It now begins.

Giada, though not necessarily physically attracted to Roger, feels that she should be with him because he reinforces what she believes she should be. He reinforces those magazines that tell her what a guy is "really" thinking when he looks at a girl.

Meanwhile, John sits back wondering what he did wrong and what Roger did right to bring this situation about.

This is a happening that is nearly unstoppable; a force of nature, if you will. Giada is now suffering from Stage 5 Douchitis.* (see full definition below)

There are good things and bad things that come with Douchitis. Unfortunately there is no cure and no matter what D-bag Roger does, Giada will always forgive him.

Also, this common disease has 5 stages, which decline in severity from ages 17-21. The girl will seek Roger-like guys until about the age of 21, sometimes 22, because that’s all she has known.

By 21 or 22 the girl has matured and looked back on the guys she has dated and begun to wonder why she ever dated them. This is also an age where the female wants to have a serious relationship so she can get married in her mid 20's, which is the typical age for such a life event.

By this time, John has gained confidence because Giada-like girls have begun to like him. His shyness goes away and confidence comes to the surface.

This now leaves Roger banging a 200-pound white chick who thinks she's black in his pimped out 1990 Honda Accord at Hampton Beach.

So, nice guys finish last? I disagree.

They do for a period of time, but more times then not they at least have the opportunity to prevail in the end.

There may not have been a better theory on this subject that has come before this. I may have uncovered the answer to a mystery that has been mind-boggling to Johns for decades.

*Stage 5 Douchitis is a disease that effects the functioning of a female’s brain. She begins to find trashy, rude, egotistical guys attractive because they tell her she is hot and want to bang her.

Big Trouble for Big Ben

2009-07-22T13:13:00.003-04:00

So, I've decided that the best possible thing that could happen to this impending Ben Rape-lisberger trial would be to have Al Michaels and John Madden do full color commentary for the duration of the proceedings, and to have it be broadcast live on CourtTV.

Can you imagine this exchange:

AL: Ooouch. I think that was a bad decision by the quarterback there John, would you agree?

JOHN: You know, he really forced it in there that time, and 99% of the time you try to force it in, it just doesn't work out for ya.

AL: Just a bad situation for everyone involved there.

JOHN: It's like, first she's coming up to his room to fix the TV, he see's her coming, and then ... BOOM, 15 to life.

Here’s an interesting tidbit…

2009-07-07T13:25:00.005-04:00

If you were to take an inventory of NBA players who are still active from both the 2000 and 2002 All-Star Game rosters, you’d come up with a list that looked like this:

PGs: Jason Kidd, Steve Nash, Baron Davis
SGs: Ray Allen, Kobe Bryant
SFs: Peja Stojakovic, Tracy McGrady, Wally Szczerbiak, Paul Peirce, Vince Carter, Michael Finley, Jerry Stackhouse, Grant Hill
PFs: Rasheed Wallace, Kevin Garnett, Dirk Nowitzki, Elton Brand, Jermaine O’Neal
Cs: Tim Duncan, Shaq

Now, if you take that list and whittle it down even further so it consists of only those players who started over 50 games last season, you get a list that looks like this:

PGs: Jason Kidd, Steve Nash, Baron Davis
SGs: Ray Allen, Kobe Bryant
SFs: Peja Stojakovic, Paul Peirce, Vince Carter, Michael Finley, Grant Hill
PFs: Rasheed Wallace, Kevin Garnett, Dirk Nowitzki
Cs: Tim Duncan, Shaq

Now, you might be asking yourself, “Why do I care?” (though more likely you’re still wondering how Wally Szczerbiak ever made an All-Star team).

Or maybe you’re waiting for me to get to some type of point in all this meaningless rambling. Well, here it is:

Of those 15 men on that second list, as many as five (that’s 33.3% of the 2000 and 2002 All-Stars still starting in the NBA) could be playing significant minutes for the Boston Celtics in the 2009-2010 NBA season.

I’ll repeat that to let it sink in.

Five of the 15 players still starting NBA games from the 2000 and 2002 All-Star Team rosters could be suiting up in Celtics Green in the 2009-2010 season. Garnett, Peirce, Allen, Wallace, and now potentially Grant Hill.

To put that into perspective, consider this:

Assuming the Celtics do sign Hill, let Big Baby go elsewhere and head into the season with a 12-man roster of the Big Three, Rondo, Perk, Sheed, Hill, Scal, Eddie House, Tony Allen, Bill Walker and J.R. Giddens, then that average age on their roster would be 29.5 years of age.

I’m gonna round that up to 30, and then remind you that the Celts will likely pursue a veteran PG to back up Rondo after signing Hill, which will drive that age up even further.

In fact, just for fun, let’s say the Celts sign free agent guard Andre Miller (33) to back up Rondo. That pushes Giddens (24) off the 12 man roster and pushes the average age up to 30.25 years of age.

For comparison, the average age of an NBA player at the start of the 2007-2008 season (which was the most recent data I could find), was 26.89 years old. Furthermore, at the start of the 2008-2009 season the oldest team in the league was the San Antonio Spurs, sporting an average age of 29.96 years old (according to RPIratings.com).

What am I building up to here, you ask? Well, it’s this: If you’re an NBA GM, is building the oldest team in the NBA something you really want to have listed on your resume?

I completely understand Danny wanting to win another championship within the “two-year window” we’ve all heard so much about lately, but is it worth potentially sacrificing the following 10-years for the next two?

Don’t misunderstand me. I don’t really have a problem with any of the moves Danny has made so far this offseason, nor do I have any issue with the Celts pursuing Hill. I just get nervous when I see a team stockpiling aging talent (like the Lakers did in ’03-’04), because what generally happens is all that talent leaves over the course of two seasons and leaves a team stuck in “Rebuilding Hell”.

The Lakers had the luxury of being able to rely on a still relatively young superstar (Kobe) after that ’03-’04 season to help speed the ascent out of “Rebuilding Hell”, but with no such player on the Celtics current roster, a similar exodus of aging stars could leave the team reeling for six, seven, maybe even eight seasons.

Look, I’m not suggesting that Danny should have done (or could be doing) anything differently, I think he’s been making the right moves given the circumstances.

I’m just concerned that once we watch the Big Three, Sheed, Eddie House and now potentially Grant Hill leave one by one over the course of the next three seasons, Celtics fans are going to be left staring at a core of Rondo, Perk, a half decent free agent pickup (say a Kevin Durant or Carmelo Anthony) and a still developing Bill Walker, asking ourselves what the hell happened.

Here’s to hoping I’m wrong.

Off to the races....

2009-06-30T17:03:00.006-04:00

So I attended my first ever NASCAR race this weekend – an event which doubled as the first time I’ve ever watched more than one lap of any auto race… ever.

My buddy Murph, an in-the-flesh NASCAR fan, had four tickets to the Lenox Industrial Tools 301 at the New Hampshire Motor Speedway in Loudon, and he asked me and two other friends – Joe and Canavan – to go to the race with him.

I figured that I might as well see what this whole NASCAR thing was all about, so I happily accepted.

Not knowing exactly what to expect, but prepared for anything, I set out from my house at 7 a.m. Sunday morning wearing a tank-top and my Jim Beam Racing hat (a freebie with a bottle of Beam about a year ago that I was hoping would prevent me from standing out like a sore thumb as a non-racing fan who knows nothing about the sport). What follows is a running retro-diary of my day, the accuracy of which ranges from exact to very loose interpretation, with the variable being the number of beers consumed.

Due to the massive size of this diary, I'm going to post it in two parts over the next two days. So without further adu, here's Bill's NASCAR Diary, Part I:

7:20 AM:
The tank-top/Beam racing hat are already doing the trick. I just stopped to gas up and grab some ice for the coolers on the way to Murph’s house, and the woman behind the counter at Shell took one look at me and asked, “You headed up to the race today?”

Score 1 for Bill.

7:45 AM:
“They’re gonna love you!!”

That’s Murph’s reaction upon seeing my get-up as I arrive at his house.

Murph seems to be in good spirits and ready to roll; good sign for the start of the morning. Joe, on the other hand, looks like hell and just informed me that “(He) had a green butt purge,” this morning. Given that we have 90 beers in the trunk for just four people, I have a feeling that Joe’s green morning “butt purge” won’t be his last.

8:10 AM:
Canavan finally arrives at Murph’s house, bringing with him the “grill” that we’ll be using to tailgate all day. It’s not quite what was promised when he told us he had a grill – the “grill” part is there, but we weren’t expecting the added bonuses of rust and cobwebs on our burgers.

After some mild complaining about Canavan’s “grill”, we load up my ’98 Nissan Altima and head out – Loudon, here we come.

8:22 AM:
We spot our first fellow race fans of the day as we’re waiting to take a left in traffic. A huge pickup truck with a giant American flag hanging out the back window – viciously flapping over the truck bed – rolls by as Murph and Joe simultaneously say, “That guy’s definitely going to NASCAR.”

What have I gotten myself into?

9:07 AM:
We’re getting closer to Loudon, and the number of both teeth and minorities in the cars surrounding us is dwindling. Fast.

Murph announces that he’s getting “hot flashes” from the morning coffee, as Joe counters with, “Hot flashes, what about me, I had a green butt purge this morning.” I have a feeling we’ll be hearing about this non-stop throughout the day.

9:11 AM:
Canavan seriously contemplates getting out and walking next to the car (crawling along in race traffic at this point) to have a cigarette.

9:37 AM:
First beer of the morning is officially cracked.

After sitting in a little more race traffic, parking, and unloading the car, the boys are ready to rock. (I do feel it’s worth noting that the first person we see in the parking lot has cut-off sleeves and a two-foot long rat tail.)

Joe tunes in the local classic rock station on the radio and the first round of beers are down within five minutes.

Four down, 86 to go.

10:08 AM:
Joe announces that Murph is the “Pace Car” after Murph finishes beer number four while the rest of us are only about a quarter of the way through. When I finish mine and tell Joe to drink up and crack another, he cites the “green butt purge” for the 27th time this morning as the reason for his “slow” (3 and ½ beers in 31 minutes) start.

Murph tells Canavan to fire the up the “grill”. It’s time for some breakfast.

10:09 AM:
We realize we did not bring a spatula. Murph sends Joe on a mission to seek out good-hearted tailgaters who will let us borrow theirs. The mission is successful.

We’ve been talking to a few of the surrounding groups since getting here, and I have to admit that “the NASCAR lifestyle,” as Murph calls it, is pretty damn fun. Picture tailgating before a football game, except instead of being in a parking lot, you’re on grass. And there are way more people, and miraculously enough port-o-potties to accommodate the crowd. And there are fewer d-bags. The NASCAR fans might be a little (or a lot) rough around the edges, but you’d be hard pressed to find a friendlier bunch.

10:36 AM:
Breakfast is served!! Burgers and potato chips washed down with a healthy amount of Miller Lite.

The weather’s not bad and the rain seems to be holding off, we’re all having a good time and drinking at an incredible pace.

Canavan is talking sports with Brian, who is parked next to us with his dad. They drove up from Connecticut for the race; leaving their house at 5 AM. Brian explains that he didn’t get in from “partying bra” the night before “until like 3 AM”. Murph says he wishes Brian had stayed partying, though Brian grew on us later.

11:23 AM:
Since we got here this morning we’ve been having a running commentary on the type of female who attends NASCAR. Joe has an ingenious system for rating these women.

Instead of the traditional 1-10 rating system, Joe describes the quality of women at NASCAR by how many beers deep he would have to be before sleeping with them. In this system then, a 0 is the highest possible rating, while the ceiling for low ratings stretches to infinity.

Based on our observations, the average rating at this particular race is roughly 235, though that number is skewed by the several women who we rated as “infinities”.

I bring this up here because we have just handed out our second single-digit rating of the day. However, it has been called into question as we wonder whether rating someone an 8 while being nine beers deep actually means that person is a 17.

This is an important question, and it needs answering.

11:34 AM:
There is a large gap in the row of parked cars across from us because the friendly female parking attendant keeps waving cars past when they try to park there. Murph starts talking to her, and she explains that she’s waving these cars past because we’d have to get up and move for a second to allow them to back in, and she doesn’t want us to have to move.

This would not happen anywhere else on earth. And though we’re thankful for her thoughtfulness, we have a problem: we want people to drink with!

So, every time we see a car driving past full of passengers we deem to be “fun people”, we’re screaming at them to park there and trying to back them in without the parking attendant, who keeps coming up and waving them out, seeing.

12:00 PM:
Thirty-plus beers down and Murph announces that it’s time to make picks for the $20 pool. Each of us will pick three drivers, and whoever has the highest finisher will win. I can see right off that bat that this will be a problem for me.

Joe gets the first pick and takes Kyle Busch. I take Jimmie Johnson with pick #2, who I just found out was a NASCAR driver about an hour ago. After Canavan picks Tony Stewart I’m down to two more drivers that I know. Joe takes one of them (Jeff Gordon) and I take the remaining one (Dale Jr.) with my second pick and end up with some scrub for my final pick.

(More to come… check back for Part II of the diary, including the actual Race and “Joe’s big day out” tomorrow)

Draft Night

2009-06-26T01:24:00.001-04:00

So tired. All I got is that the winners were the pacers, rockets, t-wolves and grizz. And that Dejaun Bair fell way to far.

A-Rond the World in 80 Days…

2009-06-24T17:36:00.006-04:00

Excuse the terrible tagline for this post, but I’m running out of creative ways to introduce rants dealing with Rajon Rondo and the maelstrom of trade rumors surrounding the 23-year-old point guard.

It seems like it’s been the same old song and dance everyday for the past week now: another morning, another Rondo trade rumor. It’s becoming as much a part of my a.m. routine as showering and an XL coffee with skim milk and two sugars from Dunkin’ Donuts.

Today’s offering: Rondo and Brian Scalabrine to Memphis for Mike Conley and Rudy Gay. I’m calling it “The Big Gay Trade.”

Now, I’m still of the opinion that Rondo isn’t actually going anywhere, and that Danny Ainge is just playing head games with the young star by involving him in these ridiculous rumors (see yesterday’s “The Rondo Dilemma” for a full explanation). But, this morning’s rumor makes that theory a much harder to buy into, as The Big Gay Trade is the most plausible one yet in terms of actually coming to fruition.

There are a couple reasons The Big Gay Trade holds that distinction, one of the most prominent being that Memphis, unlike… say…Detroit, doesn’t have to worry about the possible consequences of making the Celtics better through a trade. The only place Memphis would be seeing the Celtics (that matters) is in the NBA Finals. Any Eastern Conference contender, however, will have a handful of meaningful regular season games against the C’s and then have to get through them in order to make the Finals, so any trade making the C’s better is one they want to avoid making.

The second reason that this trade is the most plausible of the Rondo rumors is that it makes financial sense for both teams, unlike the vague reports of a trade that would have sent Rondo and Ray Allen to Phoenix for Leandro Barbosa and Amare Stoudemire. That trade would have resulted in the Celtics having roughly $23 million tied up in Barbosa and Amare through the summer of 2011, rather than have only $21 million tied up in Rondo and Ray that would come off the books just in time for (cue movie phone voice) “The Summer of 2010!!!”

(On a side note, I absolutely pull the trigger on this deal if I’m Steve Kerr. You get a talented young guard in Rondo who can step up and replace Nash when he either A) retires or B) bolts for a contender in free agency, and you get a veteran wing who can help you make a championship run this season and has $20 million expiring contract.)

(You sign a veteran Big Man to a one or two year deal to replace Amare and you got a team. You also keep another valuable trading chip in Big Diesel’s expiring contract that you can swap to get some help mid-season if the Big Fella’s not performing. Amare’s unhappy and leaving anway, and Barbosa is a player who became overrated and overpaid because he played in Mike D’Antoni’s SSOL offense. This deal is a good one for the Suns.)

And finally, The Big Gay Trade makes perfect sense for Memphis.

If you’re Memphis you’ve got this dilemma of having to pick at the #2 spot in the draft. You have to chose between two needs; upgrading your backcourt with Ricky Rubio (who has tremendous potential but is still a large gamble) or upgrading your frontcourt (a dire need for the Griz) with Hasheem Thatbeet.

As I’ve discussed here before, if you have to choose between franchise Big Man or a franchise guard, you gotta go with Big Man. Right? But, if Memphis can improve at PG and get a veteran SG to compliment O.J. Mayo, it could give them one of the best backcourts in the league.

This trade allows the Griz to do both things. Rondo was one-half a backcourt that won an NBA championship, and Scal can actually contribute on a team that needs some serious frontcourt help and also lacks any type of depth at SF – the #2 guy on the depth chart at the 3 is Quinton Ross (3.9 ppg 1.9 rbs and 0.9 asts; avg. 17 mpg).

And if you have Rondo (a proven thing) nobody questions the decision to pass on Rubio and grab Thabeet, who can help immediately in a frontcourt made up primarily of Darrell Arthur (5.6, 4.6, 0.6), Marc Gasol (11.9, 7.4, 1.7) and Darko Milicic (5.5, 4.3, 0.6).

On the Celtics side of the deal, you get back a talented young PG (definitely a downgrade from Rondo but a better pick up than Rodney Stuckey) who still has three seasons left on his rookie contract, and a great energy guy who can come off the bench and give you solid minutes at either the 2 or 3, giving Paul or Ray a rest.

And Rudy Gay is making the same amount as Scalabrine!!! Would you rather pay Scalabrine $3.2 million next season and cut him during the summer of 2010 or pay Rudy Gay $3.2 and $4.4 million over the next two seasons, then if he plays well enough sign him to a mid-range deal when Paul retires?

Now, I still don’t think this trade happens, but my point is this: four rumors in six days involving Rondo is making it more and more difficult to believe that there’s not something going on here that we don’t know about. Especially now that one of these rumors finally makes sense.

Maybe Danny sees something the rest of us don’t. Maybe he really is shopping Rondo. Whatever it is that’s going on here, I just hope he knows what he’s doing.

The Rondo Dilemma

2009-06-23T12:45:00.010-04:00

By now I’m sure everyone has heard the latest trade rumor involving the Celtics’ young floor general, the one that would send him and Ray Allen to Detroit for Rip Hamilton, Tayshaun Prince and (ironically for those who read my post yesterday) Rodney Stuckey.

First off, Danny has been taking some heat for this one on the fan-pages and forums, even though the trade offer was (reportedly) immediately declined by Detroit. When you actually look at the deal, though, it’s not a bad trade. In fact, I would go as far as to say that I’d have probably have been fine with it if it had gone through.

Think about it.

By adding Rip and Tayshaun we automatically improve our defense and finally find a suitable and capable player who can come off the bench and give Peirce a rest (in Tayshaun).

Rip is Rip, and swapping him for Ray basically gives you a younger version of the same type of player (Ray will be 34 next month, Rip is 31). Don’t believe me; check their stats from last season. Ray averaged 18.2 pts, 3.5 rebs and 2.8 asts per game. Rip averaged 18.3 pts, 3.2 rebs and 4.4 asts per game.

Yeah, yeah, I know Ray shot 48% from the field and 40% from beyond the arc while Rip shot 44% and 36%, but Rip’s shooting percentages are still solid. He was seldom left alone on the offensive end and oft doubled and still managed to hit those marks. And, don’t think those percentages wouldn’t improve with the increased amount of open looks that are a product of playing on a team with Paul Peirce and Kevin Garnett.

Plus, Rip is on the books for $11.6 million next year compared to Ray’s $19 million, so that has to be factored in as well.

Admittedly, Stuckey is a downgrade from Rondo. I would be in the camp of those calling it a “significant downgrade”, since I’m not too high on Stuckey and definitely don’t think he’s a “true” point guard. However, he is a talented player and he is young (23, same age as Rondo), so it’s not a total loss. You sign a decent veteran PG to back him up and the Celts would have a depth chart that looks like this:

PG: Stuckey/vet
SG: Rip/Eddie House
SF: Peirce/Prince/Brian Scalabrine
PF: KG/(Leon Powe or Glen Davis, since it’s not likely you’re signing both)
C: Pekins/free agent pickup (Marcin Gortat anyone???)

That’s a competitive team, and could be for the next 3-4 seasons.

None of that really matter’s though, because this trade was never happening. The deal was offered to Detroit - that seems like it’s an undeniable fact here given the extent of the media reports. There’s no way Joe Dumars ever pulls the trigger on it though, for reasons which I’ll get into a little later.

This brings me to my larger point: the question that is rolling around in my head right now.

Is Danny just playing head games with Rondo by involving him in these ridiculous trade proposals?

Has anyone else noticed that most of these “rumored” deals involving Rondo are deals that would be completely unrealistic for at least one of the teams involved?

In this most recent instance, there’s no way Detroit accepts the offer for two reasons, 1) they’re giving up their three best players currently under contract (since Sheed hasn’t signed yet), and 2) There’s no way Detroit does a trade that makes Boston better. Neither does Cleveland or Orlando for the same obvious reason.

Danny has to know that.

And if he does, is he just trying to show Rondo (with his reported ego issues) that he’s expendable? Maybe light a fire under the young PG, challenging him to prove that he’s A) not expendable, and B) a great team chemistry guy and a good soldier (to disprove all the media buzz about his stubbornness that is cited as a potential reason for shopping him every time a new rumor surfaces)?

Danny’s smart. Don’t underestimate him.

The rumor that Ray and Rondo were going to Phoenix for Amare and Nash was totally unrealistic due to finances. Everyone knows that Minny has no intent of letting Big Al go anywhere, nor should they as he is a franchise “Big” who can man the helm of a contender for years to come if the right players are surrounding him. And finally, the Pu Pu Platter that was rumored for Ray and Rondo to Washington was terrible and would have made no sense for the Celts.

So why then would Danny be discussing these ridiculous deals involving his young star point guard, and then publicly deny them like they’re the third Manning brother to boot?

According to the Celts Twitter account, he pulled the same act again this morning in his pre-draft press conference.

“DA: "I'm not sure why his is popping up, but we love Rajon. It doesn't seem like you have to have any source any more (to report rumors).",” one Tweet reads, in what appears to be a response to a question about why Rondo’s name keeps popping up in trade rumors.

“DA: "I've heard speculation we're dissatisfied with him; we're gonna trade him because he was late for a playoff game? That's not true.",” the next Tweet reads.

And Danny’s response to all the other rumors involving Rondo has always been the same: deny, deny deny. And make sure to reiterate how much he loves Rondo.

Think about it. Rajon’s a young guy coming off his best season. His rookie contact is up next year. He already has an ego and thinks of himself highly (if all reports are to be believed). So what do you do to motivate him as a GM? You throw his name into some faux trade rumors to show him that he’s expendable – that he can be replaced.

At the same time, you come out and praise him publicly, denying the rumors in order to make sure he still knows you like him and respect his skills. This keeps him happy enough with you and the team to want to stay, and at the same time motivated enough to want to prove his worth, even though he spent the last two seasons proving he’s one of the best in the league at his position.

Genius. And genius seems to be what Danny Ainge does best.

And now an answer to a completely irrelevant question due to the implausibility of its circumstances.

2009-06-22T14:58:00.006-04:00

Celticsblog.com (a great site for those of you who haven’t already found it) recently had a poll up that posed the following question:

“Would you accept a deal that would send Rondo and Ray Allen to Phoenix for Amare Stoudemire and Leandro Barbosa if the Celtics could then turn Amare into Al Jefferson and Minnesota's high draft pick?”

Now, as stated in the heading for this post, the question is moot because this scenario is almost completely unrealistic. I haven’t checked the salaries out yet, but it may not even be financially possible under the league’s trade rules (in any trade the total value of what teams A and B are receiving must be within 125% + $100,000 of each other). I think Amare’s contract would prevent this deal from hitting that mark, but again, that’s just off the top of my head and I would need to double check the figures.

Regardless, the question brings up an interesting debate: Would you be willing to sacrifice a young guard with the potential to be a top-5 player at his position for the next decade and an aging veteran for a quality big man?

It’s an intriguing prospect. On one hand, a top-notch floor general, especially one with the athleticism Rondo possesses, is hard to come by in today’s NBA. When the likes of Mo Williams, Rodney Stuckey, and Andre Miller are starting PGs on playoff teams, it’s definitely a sign that elite PGs are few and far between.

And a player with Allen’s shooting abilities and undeniable confidence in clutch situations will always be a great value to any team with a legitimate chance to go deep in the playoffs.

Clearly, to give up both players in one deal would be to give up quite a bit.

On the other hand, there’s an argument that has been hashed over many times throughout the years: that the key to winning a championship is having a great big man.

With KG entering what are presumably his last 2-3 seasons in the NBA and no heir-apparent on the C’s current roster, would sacrificing Rondo and Ray for a quality big, if we can get one, be the best move for the team?

Don’t get me wrong here; I love Ray, and I love Rondo even more.

I own a "You got Rondo'd" t-shirt. I was one of his earliest supporters and am one of the first to defend him when people bring up some of his faults (and he definitely has them). I have to admit that when it comes right down to it, he’s my favorite Celtic on the roster right now and is probably my favorite point guard in the NBA (and would be regardless of where he played).

However, when you examine the evidence from 60-plus seasons of NBA basketball, it slowly becomes apparent that great guards (1 or 2) - regardless of how spectacular they are - cannot win championships without a great big man.

Great big men, on the flipside, have proven that they can win championships while playing alongside strictly average guards.

Looking back at all the "great" guards in history who have actually won a championship, they all did it with great big men at their side:

Kobe had Gasol and Shaq (and Odom?). Ray Allen (difficult not to mention him here now) had KG when he finally won. MJ had Rodman, Grant and Salley.

Clyde the Glyde didn't win until he had Hakeem the Dream (but The Dream won the year before with average guards at best).

Isiah only won with Lambier, Rodman and Salley. Magic had Kareem and Rambis. "Tiny" Archibald only won when he finally had the Celts big men in '81. Dr. J had Moses. Cousy had Russell.

But, there are a host great "Big Men" who have won it on their own:

Hakeem in '94 (as previously mentioned); Tim Duncan (and D-rob) in '98; The Bird era Celtics (not to the extent of any other team on this list since they had good to very good gaurds, but still, not "great gaurds"); Willis in '70 and '73; and Kareem in '71.

And finally, when you look at the list of great guards that a championship ring eluded, the common thread amongst them is that few ever got to play with a great big man.

Steve Nash(unless you consider Amare “great”). Jason Kidd (again, unless you consider an aging Dirk “great”). Reggie Miller. Gary Payton (Lakers season doesn’t count due to Kobe’s sabotage of that team, otherwise the glove would be on my first list of great guards who only won with great big men at their sides).

Doc Rivers and Spudd Webb (and Dominique for that matter, while I'm listing great Hawks players who never played with a decent big man). George Gervin. Pistol Pete.... and the list goes on.

So based on history, you’ve got to sacrifice a quality guard for a big man like Jefferson if given the chance. Right?

The question is, will the Celtics get the chance, and if so, will Mr. Ainge actually pull the trigger?

I say not this offseason. The right deal just isn’t out there. Like I said, you do the Big Al deal if it was actually realistic, but it’s not, and neither is any scenario that would give us Amare, Bosh, or any other quality big man for the 2009-2010 season.

And why give up Rondo when you might be able to keep him and still sign that big man via free agency next summer? Danny has a two-year window to find KG’s replacement here, so there’s no need to rush it and do something you might regret 5-years down the road.

So let’s stop asking the irrelevant questions about “would you trade Rondo for…” and start focusing on the biggest issue facing the team next season that, amazingly, still no one is talking about.

What is wrong with KG’s knees and can he recover? If this were an aging pitcher with elbow issues it would be all the Boston sports media talked about.

Kind of a roundabout way to make my point, but hopefully you enjoyed the ride.

Big Things A-Comin'

2009-06-12T14:25:00.002-04:00

With the NBA draft fast approaching, I haven’t been able to control my urges to spend hours of valuable work-time researching potential moves for the Celtics.

After exploring scores of trade ideas, free agent signings and potential draft picks – some plausible, others not so much – I have settled on one of the most unlikely scenarios in the history of sport and am now fully endorsing the following plan of action, which I am calling (for multiple reasons) “Operation Dumbo Drop”.

Consider this:

What if Danny Ainge could convince Kevin McHale to give us back the first round pick we sent to Minnesota in the KG trade for Tony Allen and some cash? (Stop laughing. This is Kevin McHale we’re talking about. He’s, A) One of the most inept GM’s in the NBA next to Chris Wallace, and B) Not at all afraid to help his former team out a bit, as evidenced during the Summer of 2007).

Kevin’s got picks coming out the wazzu this year (the ‘Wolves have three picks in the first round; 6th, 20th and 28th ) and will likely not have the roster space to sign all those rookies. So why wouldn’t he want to turn one of his picks (which will be an untested question-mark looking for a 3-4 year deal) into a one-year rental of a proven defender who also happens to have… (That’s right Johnny!!! Tell him what he’s won!!!)… an expiring contract in the most anticipated free-agent market in NBA History, (cue movie-phone guy voice) “The Summer of 2010!!”?

So now with Kevin’s 20th or 28th pick, Danny takes Tyler Hansboro (a steal that late who I'm convinced might even slip to the early second round).

With Bill Walker (who showed flashes of greatness in his limited PT last season and who I feel could mature quite quickly if given a larger role) and Hansboro, you get two young, energetic swingmen who can drive to the basket and have decent developing mid-range jumpers (not to mention that Hansboro could potentially develop a passable enough 3-point stroke - say high-20s to low 30s 3pt percentage - to be a threat to score from anywhere on the floor).

Those two, along with Starbury (who you then resign at a discount rate since his stock is low and he wants to stay in Boston and try to win a ring) could provide enough minutes to rest Ray and Paul to keep them fresh for another long championship run.

Now here’s where it gets good…..

Maybe - and this is a stretch (as if the rest of this plan isn’t?) - but maybe due to his above average play in the playoffs and McHale's fetish for White Goofy Power Forwards (the T-wolves are currently carrying an all-star list of WGPFs - Mark Madsen, Brain Cardinal and Kevin Love), maybe Kevin gives Danny the pick for Tony Allen and (this gives me great pleasure to say, even though I've grown to love him as an individual) "Brian Scalabrine's Expiring Contract".
Stop.

Think about it. And stop asking what I’m on.

This move would give Kevin an additional $5.7 million (Allen and Scal’s combined salaries) coming off the books for “The Summer of 2010” to go after somebody for Big Al to play with, and it would give the Celtics roughly $5.7 million they could use to lockup Big Baby and resign Eddie House.

(NOTE: I’m not sure where the rest of this money is coming from, because $5.7 mil is not enough to resign both Eddie and Baby. Just roll with it though. Sam Cassell, Patrick O’Bryant and Leon Powe’s salaries coming off the books should help; Danny will find a way to make the rest work.)

So, at this point Doc would have an eight-man rotation of Rondo, Ray, Paul, KG, Perk, House, Starbury, and Baby, with Hansboro and Bill Walker coming off the bench and J.R. Giddens keeping the seats warm as an 11th man.

Use a mid-level exception to sign another veteran big (or at least a cheap role playing one) - potentially the looking to make a comeback and “in the best shape of his career” Antoine Walker, Mara-Juwan-a Howard, Marcin Gortat or Anderson Varejao - and you're set to raise Banner 18 in June of 2010, right?

(I mean, this secenario really isn't that unrealistic, right?)

(Stop staring at me like that.)

(I’m not crazy.)

Another real email chain from work....

2009-06-05T12:13:00.007-04:00

After a morning meeting ended at 10:50 a.m.

D: (about his boss) I was almost embarrassed that whole time… I wish she didn’t speak ever.

C: Agreed. Hammered still, by the way (as if you couldn’t tell), but really was late because of f*ckin MIT.

D: I haven't even pretended to do work today…

C: Also, ... on my fourth cup of water. As long as I keep drinking it, the sober will come. Eventually.

D: Then you will feel like I do.. which is like ass

C: Fuck. Good point, maybe I should just keep this going then, where’s the nearest liquor store?

Observations from Game 1

2009-05-05T12:24:00.000-04:00

Today was one of the more miserable days of work in recent memory, mostly because I woke up without a voice, and without the drive to do much of anything, after attending the Celtics 95-90 loss to the Magic in Game 1 of the Eastern Conference Semi-Finals last night.

The game itself was a thriller, with the Celts rallying back from a 28-point deficit to come within three points of Dwight’s (only 16 pts, 22 reb) (Only?) (Yeah, we’ll go with that.) Magic in the closing minutes. It was such a remarkable comeback / epic collapse that it’s tough to say which team walked away the winner in this one. The Magic just took away home court advantage (in theory) and are up a game over the defending champs, but at the same time the Celtics just proved to themselves and everyone else that they are a force to be reckoned with and can overcome even the most seemingly insurmountable odds.

That said, here’s a list of observations from my Game 1 experience, in no particular order.

1) My buddy Cunn is not to be left alone while intoxicated. He accompanied me to the game last night and we met up beforehand at (the legendary) Halftime Pizza to slug back some brews and grab dinner. He, being Cunn, had taken the train into the city to meet me, and had downed a glass of Jim Beam before boarding the train and an additional apple juice bottle full of Jim on his way in. Needless to say, by the time he had downed two of Halftime’s 32-ounce, $7.50, personal pitchers of goodness, he was hammered.

Now… before I continue with this story, I feel obligated to tell you another one. Last year, I went to the Celtics season opener against the Wizards with Cunn. I was in school at the time in Vermont. Cunn was in school in Mass. It was a Friday night, and I had an exam that morning, so we agreed that I’d drive down after my exam, meet at my parent’s house, and take the train in to the city for the game.

My piece of shit car broke down on the way down from Vermont though. Luckily, it was a minor problem that I paid a mechanic extra in order to fix so I could make the game. I called Cunn up and told him I’d meet him in the city, outside the garden instead.

So, I get down there 10 minutes before tip off, have to park in the Fanuel Hall parking Garage cause there’s no parking anywhere near the Garden, sprint over to the Garden thinking, “Shit, I’m gonna miss KG’s intro,” and what do I see? Cunn standing outside the Garden, visibly sloshed, hitting on a homeless girl with dreads.

The ensuing conversation went like this:

Me: “What the fuck are you doing?”

Cunn: “A-what?”

Me: “Do you know what time it is? We’re gonna miss tip-off.”

Cunn: “I was talkin’.”

Me: “To a homeless girl! What the hell were you talking about? WHY were you talking to her?” What the fuck is wrong with you?”

Cunn: “I don’t know how I got into that situation, but I couldn’t get out.”

And there you have it.

Last night, though, the legend of Cunn grew tenfold. After I finished my last beers at Halftime, Cunn was struggling with the final sips of his. I needed some wings before the game, so in the interest of time, I decided that I would go over to 7/11 while he finished his beer and grab a Red Bull, and told him to meet me on the corner outside of Halftime in 5.

Cunn was opposed to this idea. “You can’t leave me by myself,” he said, explaining he was basically at the point where he needed a chaperone. Naturally, I told him to stop being a pussy and deal.

So I go to 7/11, get my caffeine fix, walk out, and there’s Cunn, standing on the corner with a confused look on his face, talking to some homeless guy. I could tell by the look on his face that this was a conversation he clearly wanted no part of, so I quickly walked over, tapped him on the back and said, “All right man, let’s go, we’re gonna miss the intros.”

Without saying anything Cunn turns and starts to walk away with me, but the homeless guy starts yelling something, barely intelligible, that I believe was, “Hey, man, no man, hold on man, my brother, Ha Ha, my brother.”

He comes up to Cunn, and hugs him. The homeless guy hugged Cunn in the middle of a crowd of people on Causeway Street before a Celts game. HE HUGGED HIM. WHAT THE FUCK.

Me: “Why did that guy just hug you?”

Cunn: (Petrified) “I have no idea.”

Me: “What were you even talking about?”

Cunn: “I have no fucking clue.”

Me: “How do you not know.”

Cunn: “I don’t… know”

Me: “How did you even start talking to him? How did you suddenly find yourself in that situation?”

Cunn: (Laughing like an idiot at this point) “I… don’t… know”

Me: “So you walk out of halftime, and next thing you know some homeless guy is hugging you.”

Cunn: “Yes… I told you, I can’t be left alone.”

The Big T(r)icket

2009-04-21T15:18:00.002-04:00

Just a real quick scenario that popped into my head this morning....

KG is coming back at some point in these playoffs.

(Rocky intro starts playing in my head.... picture of KG doing the Paul Pierce Memorial hop out of the locker room.... the crowd starts going nuts as he triumphantly raises one finger above his head and Phil Collins' "In the Air Tonight" starts playing over the PA system.... the opposing team's players slowly hang their heads in defeat as they realize the whole injury was nothing more than an elaborate publicity stunt conceived of by David Stern, who forced the unwilling threesome of Garnett, Ainge and Rivers to play along, the dishonesty eventually conflicting with Danny Ainge's core Mormon beliefs and leading to so much stress and worrying that it caused a mild heart attack)

(This is the way my brain works)

Fantasy Football Hell

2008-11-23T21:39:00.013-05:00

You know that place where you second and third-guess every decision you make? Where you over-analyze the smallest of details and as a result go against your gut instincts?

You know that place where you're banging your head against the wall because you started Willie Parker over Michael Turner in a must-win week 12 fantasy match-up and now you're stuck screaming at the TV during the Colts-Chargers game because Joseph Addai is you're only hope at overcoming a 35-point deficit.

Yeah... that's where I am right now.

Two things about this NFL season:

1. I'm going to assassinate Dominic Rhodes, who got every significant crunch time carry for the Colts, and allowed Joe Addai to slowly kill my fantasy team like an NFL version of the AIDS virus. I'm not sure when Dungy lost faith in Jigga Joe, but it screwed over two of my fantasy teams this year and...

2. How can you not love the Falcons right now, even after the playoff loss. This is just a great young team that has been able to reinvent itself with Matt Ryan, Michael Turner and Roddy White, and really leave the Michael Vick era behind. With a physical D and the uncanny ability to hang with almost any opponent, they're just captivating to watch. I say these guys come back big in 2009. I mean, didn't you see that drive in the fourth quarter where Matty Ice literally willed the team down the field. Forget the two picks, there was bound to be mistakes due to inexperience, what's good is that he still threw the ball with confidence even after some mis-steps. Kid's going to be great.

What I really want to talk about though, is fantasy football hell.

There is no other game, sport or recreational activity on the planet that causes the same amount of stress as does Fantasy Football - the #1 cause of heart attacks in American males age 16-30.

Why? Well it's simple really: it takes no knowledge of the actual sport of football to be able to play fantasy football.

Take for example a girl in one of my fantasy leagues. For the purposes of this column, we'll call her Laura Anacone. Last season, the inaugural season for this particular league, Laura decided to draft LT with the second overall pick in our draft. Very respectable, except for the fact that the LT she drafted was Lawrence Taylor.

"I'll take Lawrence Taylor," she said, and then managed to somehow not come in last and beat out real football fans, who watch football, in the playoffs.

I don't care that Donovan McNabb doesn't know games can end in a tie - well, I do, but what I care more about is the fact that the kid in my 12-team league's championship game drafted Ricky Williams in the fourth round of our draft this year when Michael Turner, Ronnie Brown, Chris Johnson, Matt Forte, LenDale White, Darren McFadden, and Jonathan Stewart were all still on the board.

All this individual did was read Matt Berry, ESPN's Talented Mr. Roto, religiously each week and do his darndest to follow every recommendation Berry made. Through that, and sheer luck (he scored the second fewest total points over the course of the regular season in a 12 team league and somehow managed an 8-5 record because he caught teams on shit weeks), he made it to the championship game.

FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!

This is the kind of shit that makes real football fans - the kind that saw the potential in Michael "the Burner" Turner from watching him back up LT (no, not Lawrence Taylor, Laura) and grabbed him just at the right spot in round 5, the kind who waited an extra round for Larry Fitz instead of pulling the trigger on Anquan Boldin because they knew Boldin's only played a full 16 games twice in a six year career - it makes those fans nuts.

Just nuts enough to do it all over again next season.

One Ranchero at a Time...

2008-10-22T14:04:00.007-04:00

Throughout the annals of history, the weak and vulnerable have been endlessly exploited by those in positions of power - in short "the man" has been sticking it to the little guy for years.

With that said, allow me to tell you an inspiring tale of one young man who is turning the tables, sticking it right back to the man; a modern day Robin Hood.

See, my good friend Cunn has recently decided to strike back at the corporate powers that oppress him. Cunn is a student at one of the many state and community colleges in the great and glorious Commonwealth of Massachusetts. He is currently living at home and commuting to classes each day, and as such has been forced to purchase a parking pass for the school's lots at the completely unreasonable price of $146 per semester.

Cunn is clearly not happy about this, and is even less so due to the fact that, and I quote, - "I have to drive around the pahkin' lot for a fuckin' half hour every mornin' to find a god damn space."

"I literally have to stalk people while they're walking to their cars and steal their spaces," he says.

So, last week, Cunn informed me that he's had enough - and he's striking back.

How you ask?

Ranchero style.

Cunn has been stealing Ranchero sandwiches from the school's cafeteria during lunch. And he plans on doing so until he's stolen, that's right, $146 worth of Ranchero's - just enough to make up for his parking permit.

According to him, the caf is set up like a one way street, in the entrance and then out near the registers at a separate exit. The drinks, however, are positioned right at the entrance, so Cunn, each day after grabbing his Ranchero, pretends like he forgot to grab a drink and doubles back toward the entrance. He checks to make sure the coast is clear, snags a coke, and walks right back out the way he came in.

Cunn, taking down the man... One Ranchero at a time.

D Miles and More Ways to be Unproductive at Work

2008-10-08T22:59:00.009-04:00

Allow me to present to you excepts from a series of real emails that occupied a solid half hour of my day at work this morning:

* * * *
From: JR
To: B
Subject: How are things going in the bureau

Hey B, just checking on how things are working out for you in the bureau now that I transfered. You hanging in there?

By the way, enjoy: www.**********.com/****/**** (this was a link to a news story about a moose that tried to mate with a man's pick up truck. I swear to god that's really what it was, you can't make this shit up)

* * * *
From: B
To: JR
Subject: RE: How are things going in the bureau

Things are going O.K. so far. Not as much sports talk going on now that you left, but JC (the new kid) knows his NBA, so we have the occasional debate about whether the Celts can repeat.

Great story by the way, would have been better if the moose tried to get it on with some obese guy though, would've made for a much funnier pic.

* * * *

From: JR
To: B
Subject: RE: How are things going in the bureau

I know dude, that would have been hilarious. This one's even better:

www.********.com/*******/******** (this was a link to a news story about a woman arrested for chasing little kids and cursing at them while wearing a cow suit. It included a mug shot of woman still in the suit. Once again, you can't make this shit up)

Which side of the Celtics debate are you on anyway.

* * * *

Now, I'm going to skip the meat of this debate to get to the part that really matters...

* * * *

From: JR
To: B
Subject: RE: How are things going in the bureau

I think they've got a solid bench still, and a lot of good young talent. Posey was great to have around, but Miles could more than duplicates his stats...

James Posey (31 years old) career stats: 7.4 ppg, 4.4 rpg
Darius Miles (27 tomorrow) career stats: 10.6 ppg, 5.2 rpg

* * * *

From: B
To: JR
Subject: RE: How are things going in the bureau

Correction to D Miles career stats:

Darius Miles (27 tomorrow) career stats: 10.6 ppg, 5.2 rpg, 1.7 bspg (blunts smoked per game)

Seriously, I love DM, but the dudes already got a 10 game suspension for violating league substance policies and the season hasn't even started. Him and Ricky Williams should get a timeshare in Jamaica together.

* * * *

Going to be a great season...

Between Pauly Pierce claiming he's the best player in the NBA, Smoka D Miles joining the squad, and the inevitable "Sam Cassell is a washed up ball hog" controversy, it's going to be a hell of a ride - and I'm just glad to be here for it.

Props to Patrick O'Bryant, who looked great in tonight's pre-season match up against Philly. Better watch out Perk-a-lerk, Obie could be gunning to steal some PT from you and Big Baby...

The Intro

2008-10-06T23:03:00.008-04:00

I have been told by friends to start a blog.

I've been told it's a good idea, and it might help get me some exposure if it takes off. See, I'm an aspiring writer in need of an audience - and according to many of my idiot friends, blogging could be a way to gain one.

So, given that you now know the above information, you may wonder why my name isn't attached to the bottom of this blog. Well, allow me to answer your question. The most intriguing part of this whole blogging phenomenon, in my opinion, is the anonymity which it is capable of providing.

As an aspiring writer, I'm currently employed as a reporter with a small New England newspaper. Being such, there are things I'll post on this space I might not want the 60-something-year-old woman who's involved with the local church group, who I'm trying to convince I'm a nice kid so I can use her as a source for my day job, to know.

Like my current opinion of Justin Masterson for instance, who just faced two batters, gave up two hits and joined Hideki Okajima in collectively sucking their way to letting the Angels back into Game 4 of the ALDS.

So, with all that said, what you can expect to see in this space from here on out is my unfiltered and biased opinion on all things relevant to a 22-year-old male from just north of Boston, Mass., - sports, beer, friendships, relationships (necessarily, yes necessarily, in that order... ha ha... no, no... I joke, I kid) and anything else I damn well please to pollute cyberspace with.

P.S. - Thank you Jason Bay and Jed Lowrie!! Who'da thunk it'd be J & J Hit Factory getting us out of this one. Kudos boys; time to cowboy up for (can't believe I'm actually writing this!?!) Tampa. It's gonna be a hell of an ALCS.

More to come soon.