Big Perks

We've all seen it happen, if it hasn't in fact happened to us.

Guy breaks up with his longtime girlfriend, who is pretty cool by most accounts and all of his friends actually like, to play the field, chase some hotter chick, etc. He fails to get the hot chick, or does for a while then it fizzles out, or he plays the field for a few months and has a blast, but eventually it's going to get old.

Then, 6 to 8 months go by - he's getting tired of being single at this point - and he runs into his ex at a bar somewhere. She has lost that little bit of extra weight she had always carried around, bought herself a whole new wardrobe, and looks smoking hot. He goes over to talk to her, and she is not only still cool, but also has come into some money via some distant rich relative dying and is about to embark on an all-expense paid 3-month sightseeing trip around the world... with her new douchebag boyfriend who plays right wing for the Providence Bruins.

This sends our guy into a deep, dark, month-long depression.

At this point you might be asking yourself where I'm going with this. Well, let me show you:

Kendrick Perkins lost 31-lbs this offseason!!!

If Perk starts beast-ing on people all of a sudden because he can finally get up and down the court without looking like he's moving at the same speed as a scrambling Tom Brady, I'm growing [an even more ridiculous] beard and going on suicide watch until July.

Legendary beings and life's lessons learned...

My youngest brother will occasionally send his random thoughts and musings out to a collection of friends via mass text message. He calls these his "Fun Facts of the Day".

The thoughts are generally Confucius-esque revelations aimed at unraveling life's greatest mysteries. Why are SBD's so deadly? Is double-dipping acceptable if you took the last chip? Why don't they make toilets the same height as barstools? He generally writes these while sitting on the throne - you get the picture by now I'm sure.

This morning, he sent one that simply required re-posting here:

"FFOTD: The Fun Fact's list of some mythical creatures:


Bigfoot*
The Loch Ness Monster*
Dragons (fire-bretahing)*
Mermaids*
Sane Women
Unicorns*
Pokemon*


* = may actually be real"

 They learn so fast!

"And this year's ass-clown of the year award goes to..."

Now, usually I try to refrain from criticizing other writers’ work – nobody is perfect and we all have misfires – but I stumbled across something this morning I just couldn’t keep quiet about.

Chris Surette, a columnist for The Mirror - Fairfield University’s student newspaper - has been making headlines around the blogoshphere because the reaction this column is garnering has placed the school in some hot water.

If you haven’t read the column in question, I would strongly urge you to do so before continuing to read this post. I’ll wait….

Done? Good.

Surette’s failed attempt at a humor column is the biggest, most offensive pile of dog shit I have ever read.

I am disgusted. And not so much with the subject matter – though I think Chris’s readers get a pretty clear picture of his opinions regarding the fairer sex in the piece – but more-so with the execution of the column itself.

Look, I’m not a great writer, and I don’t claim to be – but I like to think I’m at least decent at what I do. I also happen to be a recently graduated journalism major that had a fairly well read weekly humor column in my own student newspaper for three semesters, so I like to think I know my way around humor writing a bit (though some of you will surely disagree).

The subject matter Chris has chosen to expound upon is overdone and cliché in college humor writing. Which is fine!

Half of my material throughout my career in opinion writing has been overdone and cliché. However, if you’re going to dedicate a column to an overdone and cliché topic, the redeeming value for your audience has to be either a fresh take on the subject matter, and/or SOME ACTUAL HUMOR!!!

Surette’s piece fails to accomplish either.

Its offensive, douchebag-ey (that’s right, douchebag-ey), frat boy tone and horrendous grammar and sentence structure negate any potential for humor throughout the column. As for fresh takes, the closest this disjointed, rambling, pathetic excuse for writing comes to any type of deep reflection is, “There is nothing worse than the awkward wake up next to a girl, who is not as hot as you thought she was when you were 12 deep the night before.”

And why the fuck is there a comma after “girl”? Take some grammar lessons moron. Not to mention that the structure of that particular sentence makes it slow-paced and confusing, which will completely turn off any audience member still reading.

Instead, try, “There is nothing more awkward than waking up next to a girl who was much hotter when you were 12 deep last night.” Or just don’t write that sentence at all and come up with an ORIGINAL THOUGHT. Now there’s a novelty, an original thought!!!

But now I’m just nitpicking.

My real problem is this: Chris Surette is just another dumbass, Neanderthal male in a Red Sox hat trying to be something he’s not – a writer.

Since Bill Simmons' popularity has grown (sorry Sports Guy, I’m blaming you for this one), any illiterate idiot from the Boston area who follows sports thinks they can be the next Bill Simmons.

The problem is, the majority of them are just like this kid - hacks with no writing talent whatsoever who try much too hard to be funny and/or controversial. This absolutely infuriates anyone who actually possesses some level of talent.

Why? Because with all these Simmons-wannabes flooding the internet with their filth, most people tend to immediately dismiss anyone attempting to write a sports/humor column, blog, or whatever, as a writer of the same ilk. That leaves the rest of us who are trying to break into an already oversaturated market with fewer readers and far less credibility.

So thanks, Chris, for taking a complex art form that is dear to me and pooping all over it with your feeble attempt at a humor column that was no doubt solely for the benefit of you and “your boys”.

At least I can take solace in one fact, Chris – that after the women of Fairfield read that “though many may consider you a slut after witnessing your glorious Walk of Shame, just realize that you have given this lucky guy a story he can share with others at the Grape for the rest of the year,” – I’m fairly confident that “lucky guy” isn’t going to be you anytime soon.

- Seacrest out.

A new theory from Cunn...

Since the Dawn of Time, man has been searching for the answers to the great mysteries of the universe.

Countless philosophers, thinkers, sages and priests have pondered the answers to these pivotal questions regarding human existence: Why are we here? Is there a God? What lies beyond our earthly plane?

Well, today, one of those questions has finally been answered, by none other than the greatest thinker of our time – the man who fought back at establishment by stealing sandwiches from the cafeteria at a Massachusetts State University – my good friend Cunn.

The sheer genius of this humble modern philosopher has never shone as brightly as it does in the below paragraphs, which he emailed me just last night. In these lines Cunn concisely tackles one of these great questions that has plagued mankind for centuries: Why do hot chicks date complete asswipes?

So without further ado, I give you in all his unfiltered glory, guest contributor to The Boston Lager, The man, The myth, The legend… The Cunnisher.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The D-Bag Dilemma
By Cunn

This may be the most important email I ever write to you.

I have a theory that challenges one of man's biggest mysteries....The girl dating the D-bag.

“…In humans, shyness (also called diffidence) is a social psychology term used to describe the feeling of apprehension, lack of confidence, or awkwardness experienced when a person is in proximity to, approaching, or being approached by other people, especially in new situations or with unfamiliar people…” (Wikipedia).

The phenomenon that is the D-bag that always gets the hot girl has long plagued and frustrated the regular "good" guy.

This mystery is typically expressed in the question "why do girls love to date assholes?"

We have all been there; you fall for that cute girl and you get friendly, but this asshole comes in effortlessly and gets her. While going out with her, he continuously treats her like shit, but she will not leave.

I believe I have figured out why this is so.

First, the Players:

John: The good guy, who does all the things a girl thinks are "sweet".

Giada: The girl of your dreams who you would do anything to be with; also a chef on the food network with an incredible rack....of ribs.

Roger: Simply described as the D-bag. The guy who breathes arrogance and shits ego. Public Enemy #1.

Now, lets breakdown each person a little more.

John of course is the shy one, who means nothing but good things for Giada. He does the little things that makes her say things like, "I don't know how you don't have a girlfriend," even though she is single (c*nt).

The small surprises, the occasional flowers, and the great relationship with her friends and possibly family – John is the guy that belongs with her, but he isn’t with her.

Giada is a little more complicated. To understand why, you have to look at her past.

A young teen Giada is where everything evolves from. Thanks to the sex driven society that the media has created, Giada feels the need to be, look, and feel sexy. Due to the immaturity of the teen years, Giada cannot feel like she is ever on the highest level of beauty. John thinks she is, but is so afraid to say the wrong thing and screw things up, so he never really tells her how attracted he is to her (flirting). Giada is so desperate to feel sexy that she cannot confide in John because he cannot tell her what she strives to hear.

Enter the D-bag.

Roger, being fearless due to his lack of respect for females in general, has no problem telling Giada she is hot and that he would definitely hook up with her. It now begins.

Giada, though not necessarily physically attracted to Roger, feels that she should be with him because he reinforces what she believes she should be. He reinforces those magazines that tell her what a guy is "really" thinking when he looks at a girl.

Meanwhile, John sits back wondering what he did wrong and what Roger did right to bring this situation about.

This is a happening that is nearly unstoppable; a force of nature, if you will. Giada is now suffering from Stage 5 Douchitis.* (see full definition below)

There are good things and bad things that come with Douchitis. Unfortunately there is no cure and no matter what D-bag Roger does, Giada will always forgive him.

Also, this common disease has 5 stages, which decline in severity from ages 17-21. The girl will seek Roger-like guys until about the age of 21, sometimes 22, because that’s all she has known.

By 21 or 22 the girl has matured and looked back on the guys she has dated and begun to wonder why she ever dated them. This is also an age where the female wants to have a serious relationship so she can get married in her mid 20's, which is the typical age for such a life event.

By this time, John has gained confidence because Giada-like girls have begun to like him. His shyness goes away and confidence comes to the surface.

This now leaves Roger banging a 200-pound white chick who thinks she's black in his pimped out 1990 Honda Accord at Hampton Beach.

So, nice guys finish last? I disagree.

They do for a period of time, but more times then not they at least have the opportunity to prevail in the end.

There may not have been a better theory on this subject that has come before this. I may have uncovered the answer to a mystery that has been mind-boggling to Johns for decades.

*Stage 5 Douchitis is a disease that effects the functioning of a female’s brain. She begins to find trashy, rude, egotistical guys attractive because they tell her she is hot and want to bang her.