The genius of "Big Beer"....

This morning, I stumbled across something that left me standing in awe of the brilliant marketing minds at Anheuser-Busch In-Bev.

Good people, I give you the DRAFTMARK Home Tap System.

What is DRAFTMARK, you ask? Well, in practice, it is essentially a mini-(mini) keg-erator that stores and dispenses roughly 11 "draught" beers from the convenience of your kitchen refrigerator. Or, as the FAQ section of the DRAFTMARK website explains:

"Draftmark is a high-end, affordable home draft system that offers beer drinkers a true draft beer experience.

Draftmark offers a completely different experience from what’s currently available. The system is a permanent piece for your refrigerator; you simply purchase new re-fills and continue using the draught unit you’ve already invested in. Draftmark also allows you to pour multiple brands, offering variety to you and your guests. You can easily interchange between Budweiser, Shock Top and Bass Pale Ale."

In actuality? DRAFTMARK is an ingenious device the shrewd businessmen at AB In-Bev have devised to bring the war for shelf-space, brand identification and your hard-earned dollars from the supermarket shelves, straight into your kitchen....

Wait a second... did she just say...

The following is a true story. The names have been changed to protect… well, me.

It happened to a male friend of mine earlier today.

While talking to a middle-aged co-worker about her weekend, the woman mentioned that Sunday was her partner’s birthday.

Now, my friend has worked with said woman for roughly 6 months at this point, and though he probably wouldn’t consider her a “work friend,” they are cordial and will occasionally have a short conversation about current events, local happenings, restaurants, etc.

According to my friend, said woman is ultra-liberal, uber-artsy, metta-politically correct, and possibly a bit of hippie. Whenever she has mentioned her significant other in the past, she has referred to him as “my partner.” My buddy didn’t think anything of this, because she seems like the type of person who would say “my partner” in lieu of “my husband” or “my boyfriend”. During this morning’s conversation, however, a curveball was thrown.

Following up “It was my partner’s birthday on Sunday,” my buddy says, was, “but SHE wasn’t feeling very good, so we kind of had to reschedule our celebration.”

Now, my buddy is in no way, shape or form homophobic. However, he says this came as a shock to him. So, without further ado, here is his rapid, ranting, reaction:

So, immediately my mind kicks into high-gear. She’s still blabbing on, but I have completely stopped paying attention, and my internal monologue is going rapid-fire:

“Wait a second, did she just say SHE? I swear I heard she. Maybe it was “buts he,” you know, like baby-speak. Nope. There it is again. She said she again. She’s a lesbian? No, wait, she IS a lesbian. This kinda makes sense. Explains a few things.

Hold-up.

So she’s a lesbian. She just came out to me. She just came out to me? Who else knows? Is this common knowledge? Am I allowed to talk about this with other people? She always makes a point to say “partner” and not use a name. Is that cause she doesn’t want people to know? Why would she tell me? Did that just slip? Is she only telling me? Why would she think we’re that close? Does she think I’M GAY? I am not gay. I am not gay? Not last time I checked. When did I last check?

Snap out of it.

How do I react to her saying she? Do I stop her and say “wait, she”? Do I just nod and keep rolling with the convo? Was I supposed to have known this before? I’m just gonna roll with this. And speak of it to no one. Except Bill. I gotta tell Bill. This is the most awkward situation I’ve ever been in at work.”

That last part of his monologue had to be revised after a short conversation. We determined the time he told a gay guy (whom he didn’t know was gay at the time) that part of the reason he didn’t go to Emerson was because the first 3 guys he met on the tour were gay and he just didn’t think he’d fit in was more awkward.

We also determined that the “Did Tabitha used to be a dude?” conversation he had about one of his former editors was more awkward.

And for the record, yes, Tabitha used to be a dude. Poor Toby.

The Walker, and other people at the office who drive me bananas

There is an old, weird dude who works in my office.

You know the type; seems perfectly nice, decent worker - but he just has that weird vibe about him and he does these odd, idiosyncratic things that make you want to hate him.

Well, this afternoon a new wrinkle was added to my growing case against this guy: HE'S A WALKER!

If you work at any mostly sedentary office job, you're familiar with the group of people to whom I refer. These are the older, out of shape employees - who range from slightly overweight to morbidly obese - who spend their lunch breaks on "walks" to stay active and presumably drop the pounds.

They are also the same people who believe this walk entitles them to the extra bag of BBQ Fritos that didn't get eaten at a lunch meeting in one of the conference rooms. Look here jackass, either get serious about losing the thunder thighs or just admit that you're fine with being fat - stop the charade, cause it's pissing me off.

Anyway, normally I can somewhat deal with the walkers because I don't have to see them partake in said walking. But today it was raining out, so Old Weird Dude has spent his entire frigging lunch break doing laps around a group of cubicles - AND I'VE REACHED THE TIPPING POINT!!! I swear to all things holy that I'm tripping his turtle-necked, mustachioed ass on the next pass and then beating him to death with an industrial printer cartridge - SO HELP ME GOD!

However, this has gotten me to thinking - who are the other people in the office that secretly drive a rational, free-thinking, normal human being completely ape-shit?

Now, for clarification, I'm not talking about the people who outwardly drive their normal co-workers insane - like the middle-aged lady who has a 45-minute conversation with her "girlfriend" at maximum volume every day at 2:25 that only ends because those in the cubes around her have elevated the volume of their ahem-ing and harrumphing to the point where it can no longer be ignored. What I'm focusing on here is those people who you are otherwise all right with, except for the fact that you secretly want to bash their skull in with a sledgehammer for some completely inane reason. If that explanation doesn't make sense to you, you haven't worked an office-job for long enough.

So far, I've got the walkers, the "hipster aunts" - you know, the middle-aged, childless women who will routinely try to connect with their younger co-workers and prove their hipness by recanting stories about the "cool" things they have accompanied their nieces and/or nephews to (note that there are NO "hipster uncles") -  and the otherwise not bad chick who wants to educate everyone about reducing their carbon footprints and saving the environment.

But I know there are more I'm leaving out, so I'm asking for your assistance. What you got?

Big Perks

We've all seen it happen, if it hasn't in fact happened to us.

Guy breaks up with his longtime girlfriend, who is pretty cool by most accounts and all of his friends actually like, to play the field, chase some hotter chick, etc. He fails to get the hot chick, or does for a while then it fizzles out, or he plays the field for a few months and has a blast, but eventually it's going to get old.

Then, 6 to 8 months go by - he's getting tired of being single at this point - and he runs into his ex at a bar somewhere. She has lost that little bit of extra weight she had always carried around, bought herself a whole new wardrobe, and looks smoking hot. He goes over to talk to her, and she is not only still cool, but also has come into some money via some distant rich relative dying and is about to embark on an all-expense paid 3-month sightseeing trip around the world... with her new douchebag boyfriend who plays right wing for the Providence Bruins.

This sends our guy into a deep, dark, month-long depression.

At this point you might be asking yourself where I'm going with this. Well, let me show you:

Kendrick Perkins lost 31-lbs this offseason!!!

If Perk starts beast-ing on people all of a sudden because he can finally get up and down the court without looking like he's moving at the same speed as a scrambling Tom Brady, I'm growing [an even more ridiculous] beard and going on suicide watch until July.

Legendary beings and life's lessons learned...

My youngest brother will occasionally send his random thoughts and musings out to a collection of friends via mass text message. He calls these his "Fun Facts of the Day".

The thoughts are generally Confucius-esque revelations aimed at unraveling life's greatest mysteries. Why are SBD's so deadly? Is double-dipping acceptable if you took the last chip? Why don't they make toilets the same height as barstools? He generally writes these while sitting on the throne - you get the picture by now I'm sure.

This morning, he sent one that simply required re-posting here:

"FFOTD: The Fun Fact's list of some mythical creatures:


Bigfoot*
The Loch Ness Monster*
Dragons (fire-bretahing)*
Mermaids*
Sane Women
Unicorns*
Pokemon*


* = may actually be real"

 They learn so fast!

Rasheed's Renaissance...

Well, ladies and gentlemen, guess who finally decided to show up?

That's right, this fackin' guy.

Last night Rasheed Wallace, after many months of mulling the decision over, finally decided that he wanted to play some basketball this season. Logging 18 minutes off the bench for the Celtics in their 104-86 trouncing of the Cavs in Game 2 of the Eastern Conference Semi-finals, Sheed dropped 17 points, hit 7 of 8 shots from the field - three of which came from behind the arc - and even played what passes as inspired D, for Rasheed, at least.

Sheed carried the load for the Celts' bench last night and was a huge factor in helping secure a critical Game 2 win at the Q before KG, Paul Peirce and company head back to Boston for games 3 and 4. That said, it was one of the most frustrating Sheed performances I've watched all season.

Please, allow me to elaborate.

Rasheed's game last night proved what many have lamented all season long; the fact that Sheed can still play basketball at an elite level when, and this is the important part, he actually wants to put in the effort to try.

We have all seen plenty of evidence showcasing Sheed's laziness and general disinterest in anything but launching up bad 3s over the course of the season, but until last night there was a part of me that thought, "Maybe Sheed just isn't the player we think he is anymore, maybe age and multiple deep playoff runs have had more of an effect on him than we know." I knew his work ethic/reluctance to play the post was a large chunk of the problem, but a small part of me thought that maybe his game had declined more drastically than we imagined as a result of the extended time away he spent with injuries in 2008-2009. But, with last night's performance, that manufactured excuse for Sheed's lackluster season loses all credibility and it becomes completely apparent that he just hasn't been trying.

And the truly amazing thing about last night was how effortless Sheed made it all look.

It begs the question, had Sheed actually given a shit all year long, could the Celts have been in contention for the 1-seed in the East? Probably not, since there were issues other than Sheed's disinterest contributing to the Celts poor second half of the regular season, but it's definitely an interesting question to consider.

But, I suppose there's no use dwelling on the past. The short of it is, that in order for the Celtics to have a chance at winning any series from here on out, Sheed has to be able to sustain the level of play he displayed last night. If he can manage that, who knows what the ceiling for this squad is?

Sheed, it was nice to have you back. Here's to hoping you decide to stick around.