Wait a second... did she just say...

The following is a true story. The names have been changed to protect… well, me.

It happened to a male friend of mine earlier today.

While talking to a middle-aged co-worker about her weekend, the woman mentioned that Sunday was her partner’s birthday.

Now, my friend has worked with said woman for roughly 6 months at this point, and though he probably wouldn’t consider her a “work friend,” they are cordial and will occasionally have a short conversation about current events, local happenings, restaurants, etc.

According to my friend, said woman is ultra-liberal, uber-artsy, metta-politically correct, and possibly a bit of hippie. Whenever she has mentioned her significant other in the past, she has referred to him as “my partner.” My buddy didn’t think anything of this, because she seems like the type of person who would say “my partner” in lieu of “my husband” or “my boyfriend”. During this morning’s conversation, however, a curveball was thrown.

Following up “It was my partner’s birthday on Sunday,” my buddy says, was, “but SHE wasn’t feeling very good, so we kind of had to reschedule our celebration.”

Now, my buddy is in no way, shape or form homophobic. However, he says this came as a shock to him. So, without further ado, here is his rapid, ranting, reaction:

So, immediately my mind kicks into high-gear. She’s still blabbing on, but I have completely stopped paying attention, and my internal monologue is going rapid-fire:

“Wait a second, did she just say SHE? I swear I heard she. Maybe it was “buts he,” you know, like baby-speak. Nope. There it is again. She said she again. She’s a lesbian? No, wait, she IS a lesbian. This kinda makes sense. Explains a few things.

Hold-up.

So she’s a lesbian. She just came out to me. She just came out to me? Who else knows? Is this common knowledge? Am I allowed to talk about this with other people? She always makes a point to say “partner” and not use a name. Is that cause she doesn’t want people to know? Why would she tell me? Did that just slip? Is she only telling me? Why would she think we’re that close? Does she think I’M GAY? I am not gay. I am not gay? Not last time I checked. When did I last check?

Snap out of it.

How do I react to her saying she? Do I stop her and say “wait, she”? Do I just nod and keep rolling with the convo? Was I supposed to have known this before? I’m just gonna roll with this. And speak of it to no one. Except Bill. I gotta tell Bill. This is the most awkward situation I’ve ever been in at work.”

That last part of his monologue had to be revised after a short conversation. We determined the time he told a gay guy (whom he didn’t know was gay at the time) that part of the reason he didn’t go to Emerson was because the first 3 guys he met on the tour were gay and he just didn’t think he’d fit in was more awkward.

We also determined that the “Did Tabitha used to be a dude?” conversation he had about one of his former editors was more awkward.

And for the record, yes, Tabitha used to be a dude. Poor Toby.

The Walker, and other people at the office who drive me bananas

There is an old, weird dude who works in my office.

You know the type; seems perfectly nice, decent worker - but he just has that weird vibe about him and he does these odd, idiosyncratic things that make you want to hate him.

Well, this afternoon a new wrinkle was added to my growing case against this guy: HE'S A WALKER!

If you work at any mostly sedentary office job, you're familiar with the group of people to whom I refer. These are the older, out of shape employees - who range from slightly overweight to morbidly obese - who spend their lunch breaks on "walks" to stay active and presumably drop the pounds.

They are also the same people who believe this walk entitles them to the extra bag of BBQ Fritos that didn't get eaten at a lunch meeting in one of the conference rooms. Look here jackass, either get serious about losing the thunder thighs or just admit that you're fine with being fat - stop the charade, cause it's pissing me off.

Anyway, normally I can somewhat deal with the walkers because I don't have to see them partake in said walking. But today it was raining out, so Old Weird Dude has spent his entire frigging lunch break doing laps around a group of cubicles - AND I'VE REACHED THE TIPPING POINT!!! I swear to all things holy that I'm tripping his turtle-necked, mustachioed ass on the next pass and then beating him to death with an industrial printer cartridge - SO HELP ME GOD!

However, this has gotten me to thinking - who are the other people in the office that secretly drive a rational, free-thinking, normal human being completely ape-shit?

Now, for clarification, I'm not talking about the people who outwardly drive their normal co-workers insane - like the middle-aged lady who has a 45-minute conversation with her "girlfriend" at maximum volume every day at 2:25 that only ends because those in the cubes around her have elevated the volume of their ahem-ing and harrumphing to the point where it can no longer be ignored. What I'm focusing on here is those people who you are otherwise all right with, except for the fact that you secretly want to bash their skull in with a sledgehammer for some completely inane reason. If that explanation doesn't make sense to you, you haven't worked an office-job for long enough.

So far, I've got the walkers, the "hipster aunts" - you know, the middle-aged, childless women who will routinely try to connect with their younger co-workers and prove their hipness by recanting stories about the "cool" things they have accompanied their nieces and/or nephews to (note that there are NO "hipster uncles") -  and the otherwise not bad chick who wants to educate everyone about reducing their carbon footprints and saving the environment.

But I know there are more I'm leaving out, so I'm asking for your assistance. What you got?