Did you hear this rumor yet!!!!
The one where Timothy Richard Tebow broke up Lindsey Vonn's marriage and is now
dating her?
That's right. A rumor that the should-have-been-aborted-miracle-baby, born-again Christian, Filipino circumcising, saving-himself-for-marriage, inaccurate as all hell, starting Bronco's QB has landed super hot US Olympian Alpine goddess Lindsey Vonn.
Some guys have all the luck.
If this is somehow true (it's not, if there is a fair and loving God, this is not true), then the debate is over. Tebow is the
second-coming of Christ, and this time he's decided "You know what, I'm
Jesus fucking Christ! Sure, I'll prepare the army of the Lord for
judgement day in 2012, but I'll be damned if I don't get to have a
little fun along the way this time around!"
Screw it. As discussed here previously, Julia Mancuso is my favorite hot US winter Olympian anyway. (Nastia Liukin gets the summer and overall titles).
Showing posts with label NFL. Show all posts
Showing posts with label NFL. Show all posts
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
HERE'S CARSON!!!!
In case you've been living under an NFL rock for the past 48-hours, former USC Trojan and Cincinnati Bengals quarterback Carson Palmer - who refused to report to play for the Bengals this season and has been demanding a trade since the end of the Bengals 4-12 2010 campaign - has finally gotten his wish.
The Oakland Raiders, after losing starting quarterback Jason Campbell to injury on Sunday for what could be the remainder of the season, have traded a 1st round pick in the 2012 draft and a 2nd round 2013 pick (which has the potential to become a 1st rounder) for Palmer.
Palmer, who sports an 86.9 career passer rating and has twice thrown for over 4,000 yards in a season (falling just short twice more with 3,836 yards in the 2005 season and 3,970 yards last season), is somewhat of an NFL enigma. After leading an upstart 11-5 Bengals team to the postseason in 2005, a season in which he threw for 32 touchdowns and only 12 interceptions, Palmer's knee was essentially torn apart on a hit sustained in the team's first-round playoff loss to the Pittsburgh Steelers.
Now, 5 seasons and an elbow reconstruction later, the quarterback who was once thought to be the next "elite" NFL passer has never been quite able to attain that same level of success.
This afternoon my buddy Steve and I were having a conversation regarding the QB and what this means for Oakland, and I think the back-and-forth really sums up the myriad of feelings one can have on Palmer and the trade, as well as how much is riding on this season relating to the context in which Palmer's career is ultimately viewed. So, without further ado, here is the convo:
Steve: Palmer is expected to start on Sunday.
Me: Ohhhhhhhh Yaaaaaaaaa.
Steve: Palmer is such a bum. I can't believe, CAN'T BELIEVE, that the Raiders gave a 1st-rounder, and possibly two 1st rounders, to get him. What a fuckin' joke.
Me: I agree that they overpaid. However, it cannot be ignored that this guy was once mentioned in the same breath as Brady, Manning and Brees.
Steve: Was. When he left he was more like a bum.
Me: The injuries and just being stuck in that horrendous franchise clearly had a huge impact on his game. I'm curious to see what a change of scenery might do for him. I've always like Carson Palmer and would like to see him succeed.
Steve: Funny, you used a similar excuse for Ocho-stinko. Carson sucks.
Me: I don't deny that. It was clearly too late for Chad. He needed to get out two seasons ago. However, QBs have a longer shelf life, and I think Carson might still be salvageable. Clearly, as evidenced by his refusal to play for the Bengals, he knew he needed a change of scenery. Now that he's gotten one, let's see what he does with it.
Steve: Na.
Me: Ya.
Steve: Ya, like Oakland is the place to be.
Me: I will wager he takes Oakland to the post-season.
Steve: They are winning their division already. If they don't go, it's his fault.
Me: They still have to contend with the Chargers, who always make a late season rally.
Steve: Ya.
Me: I say, if he can come in without any training camp, prep time to learn the offense, or familiarity with the receivers and get them to the playoffs, that is a massive accomplishment.
Steve: In a division with only one other contender, maybe, but not enough to change my opinion. The post-season is where he is at his suckiest.
Me: We shall see. I'm using the Rocky IV corollary here: "If I can change, and you can change, maybe Carson Palmer can change."
Steve: Na.
Me: Only time will tell.
Monday, April 26, 2010
If hating Tim Tebow means I'm rooting against Jesus...
... then let's go Satan!
And I don't mean Miroslav. (Though this was gorgeous. I can't get enough of the NHL Playoffs!!)
This is what The Denver Post is reporting that Tebow said of his first meeting with Bronco's head coach Josh McDaniels:
I hope this guy breaks his femur on the first day of practice, and if that puts me at odds with the good Lord, then so be it. The God I pray to can't possibly like Tim Tebow.
And I don't mean Miroslav. (Though this was gorgeous. I can't get enough of the NHL Playoffs!!)
This is what The Denver Post is reporting that Tebow said of his first meeting with Bronco's head coach Josh McDaniels:
"I was jacked leaving that room. I didn't even want to visit another room. It was not enough time," Tebow said. "We were excited, we were enthusiastic. There was passion. It was just intense, and it was ball, and it was juice. The juice level in that room was high, and it was awesome."You'll notice the typical born-again Christian vernacular right off the bat: "jacked", "it was ball," "it was juice." Are these not things right out of Scott Stapp's uber-douchey mouth?!?
I hope this guy breaks his femur on the first day of practice, and if that puts me at odds with the good Lord, then so be it. The God I pray to can't possibly like Tim Tebow.
Saturday, January 16, 2010
Wacko for Who?
The following is inexplicable:
(from ESPN.com)
_____________________________________________________
________________________________________________________
And I'm supposed to believe this guy has a shot at beating Peyton Manning and the Colts?
Congrats to the Indianapolis Colts on another AFC Championship appearance.
(from ESPN.com)
_____________________________________________________
Getting the 'W'
It's not always pretty, but Ravens QB Joe Flacco knows how to win in the postseason.
Here is a look at his career statistics in the postseason.
| Opponent | Yards | TD | INT | Passer rating | W/L |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| Miami Dolphins | 135 | 0 | 0 | 59.1 | W |
| Tennessee Titans | 161 | 1 | 0 | 89.4 | W |
| Pittsburgh Steelers | 141 | 0 | 3 | 18.2 | L |
| New England Patriots | 34 | 0 | 1 | 10.0 | W |
| Totals | 471 | 1 | 4 | 44.2 (avg.) | 3-1 |
________________________________________________________
And I'm supposed to believe this guy has a shot at beating Peyton Manning and the Colts?
Congrats to the Indianapolis Colts on another AFC Championship appearance.
Monday, November 16, 2009
You're so vain, you probably think this post is about you....
Well, this is a rare treat.
Just three days after handing the “Ass-Clown of the Year” award to d-bag Chris Surette – whose “Walk of Shame” column is currently being specially printed onto 20 rolls of toilet paper for use in my apartment building’s public bathroom – I am blessed with the honor of handing out yet another prestigious award:
Congratulations Bill Belichick, you’re this year’s recipient of “The Arrogant Bone-headed Call of the Year Award.”
And to think, I thought it was going to Rick Pitino* …
The only possible way you can explain Belichick’s decision to go for it on 4th and 2 from his own 28 while leading by 6 last night is pure and unadulterated arrogance. Even Andy Reid knows you punt that ball and trust your defense to hold the opposition to a field goal in that situation!!!
(Though apparently Reid does not know you go for it on 4th and 1 from the opposition 1-yard line when trailing by two scores in the second quarter**.)
For anyone who might have packed it in and gone to bed after the Pats scored on the opening drive of the fourth quarter, putting them up 31-14, here’s a quick recap of what happened in the final 12:00 minutes of play:
• Peyton drives 79-yards and hits Pierre Garcon on a 29-yard touchdown strike when Leigh “Toast” Bodden bites on the pump fake.
• Pats fail to do anything with the ball on their next possession and punt.
• Peyton throws an interception on the first play of the Colts next possession. Pats drive 51-yards for a Gostkowski FG, putting them ahead 34-21 and seemingly sealing the victory with 4:12 remaining in the game.
• Peyton leads another 79-yard touchdown drive – greatly aided by a horrendous pass interference call on Pats DB Darius Butler – scoring in just 1:23 to put the Colts within 6 with 2:23 left to play.
That’s when it happened… when Belichick inexplicably morphed into “Reid 2.0: Bigger, Bolder, Dumber.”
The Pat’s got the ball back on their own 20 after a touchback on the Pat McAfee kickoff, and before even running the first play of the drive Brady was forced to burn a timeout***.
THE FIRST PLAY OF THE DRIVE!!!
How do you take the field on the first play of a drive without knowing which play you’re going to run and which plays you can audible to depending on where the defense lines up?
So, now the Pats run their first play with only one timeout remaining, getting just under a yard on a Kevin Faulk run up the gut. Indy calls its first timeout. Brady completes an 8-yard pass to Wes Welker on second down, but he’s still 2-yards shy of the 1st down. Indy calls its second timeout. Brady tosses a short pass to Welker on 3rd down that falls incomplete. The clock stops because of the incomplete pass.
The play clock starts to tic, and the Pats face a 4th and 2 from their own 28. Belichick has roughly 15-seconds to decide whether to punt, go for it, or line up and try to draw the defense offsides and then call his remaining timeout and punt. Those are your three options as a coach in this situation.
INSTEAD of doing any of those things, Belichick calls his third and final timeout without even having his offense line up and try to draw the Colts offsides!!!
Why?!? Why Bill?!? WHY?
This is about as classic Andy Reid as it gets – indecisive play calling, squandering timeouts, just overall poor clock management.
Then, it happens. The Patriots offense returns to the field and lines up for the snap as the following conversation takes place in living rooms across New England:
Person A: What is he doing? Are they going for it?
Person B: They can’t be. They’re on their own 28. You can’t give the ball back to Manning inside the 30 with this much time left and expect him not to score. They must be trying to see if they can draw them offsides then they’ll punt.
Person A: They just used their last timeout though, they can’t make the switch. They’re going for it.
Person B: (Nervously in a low tone) They can’t be.
Person A: They are.
Person B: (Silence)…… I like it! I like the call!!! Let’s go!!!
Barack was right, the human disposition toward optimism and hope when facing seemingly insurmountable odds certainly is audacious.
There is 2:08 remaining in the game at this point. If you have a good punter – and the Patriots have a fantastic one in Chris Hanson – you have him kick it high here in order to bring the clock down to the two-minute warning. So then, you potentially have Peyton getting the ball on his own 25-40 yard-line with 2:00 minutes left and only 1 timeout.
Dangerous? Absolutely. Peyton might be one of the most dangerous quarterbacks in the game in that situation. But when the alternative is giving him the ball on your 28 with 1 timeout and the two-minute warning???
Yes, I’m aware there was another scenario in play; the one where the Pats make the first down, run out the clock, Peyton stays on the sidelines and Belichick is heralded as a “genius” once again for his gutsy play-calling. But therein lies my point.
Belichick was well aware of everything I just broke down in the previous paragraphs when he made the decision to go for it on fourth down.
He knew the potential consequences of his decision, and rather than make the simple call, the call to punt the ball, the call that the majority of coaches in the NFL would have made under the same circumstances and might have given HIS TEAM its best chance to win, he chose to make the riskier call with the potential to make HIM look like genius.
In an unapologetic display of arrogance, Belichick chose the chance for individual glory over the potential for shared victory.
If the Patriots punt the ball and manage to stop Manning and earn a win, the story in today’s headlines reads “Patriot’s 4th QTR defensive stand saves victory.”
But, if the Patriots make that first down? If Kevin Faulk doesn’t bobble the ball and gets his forward progress awarded? If Belichick had saved that one last timeout and challenged the forward progress? If the Patriots somehow get that first down, then the story in today’s headlines reads “Belichick’s gutsy call seals victory.”
Bill Belichick decided to turn 2:08 of clock into a one play game that was all about him on Sunday night, and that’s why on Monday morning he’s the proud recipient of 2009’s Arrogant Bone-headed Call of the Year Award.
Congrats Bill. Make sure you talk with Chris Surette at the after-party, he might have some pointers on how you can still pick up chicks now that you’re no longer a football genius.
___________________________________________________
*You know, for the whole get woman pregnant, force her to abort, convince assistant to marry her and pay them to keep quiet thing, Allegedly.
**See Philadelphia Eagles at San Diego Chargers, Nov. 15, 2009. Reid elected to kick a FG in this spot, as well as again in the 3rd quarter when facing a 4th and 1 from the Chargers 7-yard line. The Eagles lost by 8 points. For those of you lacking in the math department, the point differential between a FG and TD (plus PAT) is 4. The difference between the two FGs kicked on 4th and 1 instead of the TDs that could have been scored had Reid elected to go for it? 8 points.
***Now might be a good time for an NFL Replay Challenge Semantics refresher. In order to initiate a coach’s challenge in the NFL, you must have at least one time out remaining. This is because the way a coach is penalized for an incorrect challenge is via the loss of a timeout. If you could still challenge without a timeout, then what’s to prevent a coach from challenging every play after he’s burned his final timeout, he’s got nothing to lose, right? Keep this in mind as we continue.
Just three days after handing the “Ass-Clown of the Year” award to d-bag Chris Surette – whose “Walk of Shame” column is currently being specially printed onto 20 rolls of toilet paper for use in my apartment building’s public bathroom – I am blessed with the honor of handing out yet another prestigious award:
Congratulations Bill Belichick, you’re this year’s recipient of “The Arrogant Bone-headed Call of the Year Award.”
And to think, I thought it was going to Rick Pitino* …
The only possible way you can explain Belichick’s decision to go for it on 4th and 2 from his own 28 while leading by 6 last night is pure and unadulterated arrogance. Even Andy Reid knows you punt that ball and trust your defense to hold the opposition to a field goal in that situation!!!
(Though apparently Reid does not know you go for it on 4th and 1 from the opposition 1-yard line when trailing by two scores in the second quarter**.)
For anyone who might have packed it in and gone to bed after the Pats scored on the opening drive of the fourth quarter, putting them up 31-14, here’s a quick recap of what happened in the final 12:00 minutes of play:
• Peyton drives 79-yards and hits Pierre Garcon on a 29-yard touchdown strike when Leigh “Toast” Bodden bites on the pump fake.
• Pats fail to do anything with the ball on their next possession and punt.
• Peyton throws an interception on the first play of the Colts next possession. Pats drive 51-yards for a Gostkowski FG, putting them ahead 34-21 and seemingly sealing the victory with 4:12 remaining in the game.
• Peyton leads another 79-yard touchdown drive – greatly aided by a horrendous pass interference call on Pats DB Darius Butler – scoring in just 1:23 to put the Colts within 6 with 2:23 left to play.
That’s when it happened… when Belichick inexplicably morphed into “Reid 2.0: Bigger, Bolder, Dumber.”
The Pat’s got the ball back on their own 20 after a touchback on the Pat McAfee kickoff, and before even running the first play of the drive Brady was forced to burn a timeout***.
THE FIRST PLAY OF THE DRIVE!!!
How do you take the field on the first play of a drive without knowing which play you’re going to run and which plays you can audible to depending on where the defense lines up?
So, now the Pats run their first play with only one timeout remaining, getting just under a yard on a Kevin Faulk run up the gut. Indy calls its first timeout. Brady completes an 8-yard pass to Wes Welker on second down, but he’s still 2-yards shy of the 1st down. Indy calls its second timeout. Brady tosses a short pass to Welker on 3rd down that falls incomplete. The clock stops because of the incomplete pass.
The play clock starts to tic, and the Pats face a 4th and 2 from their own 28. Belichick has roughly 15-seconds to decide whether to punt, go for it, or line up and try to draw the defense offsides and then call his remaining timeout and punt. Those are your three options as a coach in this situation.
INSTEAD of doing any of those things, Belichick calls his third and final timeout without even having his offense line up and try to draw the Colts offsides!!!
Why?!? Why Bill?!? WHY?
This is about as classic Andy Reid as it gets – indecisive play calling, squandering timeouts, just overall poor clock management.
Then, it happens. The Patriots offense returns to the field and lines up for the snap as the following conversation takes place in living rooms across New England:
Person A: What is he doing? Are they going for it?
Person B: They can’t be. They’re on their own 28. You can’t give the ball back to Manning inside the 30 with this much time left and expect him not to score. They must be trying to see if they can draw them offsides then they’ll punt.
Person A: They just used their last timeout though, they can’t make the switch. They’re going for it.
Person B: (Nervously in a low tone) They can’t be.
Person A: They are.
Person B: (Silence)…… I like it! I like the call!!! Let’s go!!!
Barack was right, the human disposition toward optimism and hope when facing seemingly insurmountable odds certainly is audacious.
There is 2:08 remaining in the game at this point. If you have a good punter – and the Patriots have a fantastic one in Chris Hanson – you have him kick it high here in order to bring the clock down to the two-minute warning. So then, you potentially have Peyton getting the ball on his own 25-40 yard-line with 2:00 minutes left and only 1 timeout.
Dangerous? Absolutely. Peyton might be one of the most dangerous quarterbacks in the game in that situation. But when the alternative is giving him the ball on your 28 with 1 timeout and the two-minute warning???
Yes, I’m aware there was another scenario in play; the one where the Pats make the first down, run out the clock, Peyton stays on the sidelines and Belichick is heralded as a “genius” once again for his gutsy play-calling. But therein lies my point.
Belichick was well aware of everything I just broke down in the previous paragraphs when he made the decision to go for it on fourth down.
He knew the potential consequences of his decision, and rather than make the simple call, the call to punt the ball, the call that the majority of coaches in the NFL would have made under the same circumstances and might have given HIS TEAM its best chance to win, he chose to make the riskier call with the potential to make HIM look like genius.
In an unapologetic display of arrogance, Belichick chose the chance for individual glory over the potential for shared victory.
If the Patriots punt the ball and manage to stop Manning and earn a win, the story in today’s headlines reads “Patriot’s 4th QTR defensive stand saves victory.”
But, if the Patriots make that first down? If Kevin Faulk doesn’t bobble the ball and gets his forward progress awarded? If Belichick had saved that one last timeout and challenged the forward progress? If the Patriots somehow get that first down, then the story in today’s headlines reads “Belichick’s gutsy call seals victory.”
Bill Belichick decided to turn 2:08 of clock into a one play game that was all about him on Sunday night, and that’s why on Monday morning he’s the proud recipient of 2009’s Arrogant Bone-headed Call of the Year Award.
Congrats Bill. Make sure you talk with Chris Surette at the after-party, he might have some pointers on how you can still pick up chicks now that you’re no longer a football genius.
___________________________________________________
*You know, for the whole get woman pregnant, force her to abort, convince assistant to marry her and pay them to keep quiet thing, Allegedly.
**See Philadelphia Eagles at San Diego Chargers, Nov. 15, 2009. Reid elected to kick a FG in this spot, as well as again in the 3rd quarter when facing a 4th and 1 from the Chargers 7-yard line. The Eagles lost by 8 points. For those of you lacking in the math department, the point differential between a FG and TD (plus PAT) is 4. The difference between the two FGs kicked on 4th and 1 instead of the TDs that could have been scored had Reid elected to go for it? 8 points.
***Now might be a good time for an NFL Replay Challenge Semantics refresher. In order to initiate a coach’s challenge in the NFL, you must have at least one time out remaining. This is because the way a coach is penalized for an incorrect challenge is via the loss of a timeout. If you could still challenge without a timeout, then what’s to prevent a coach from challenging every play after he’s burned his final timeout, he’s got nothing to lose, right? Keep this in mind as we continue.
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
Big Trouble for Big Ben
So, I've decided that the best possible thing that could happen to this impending Ben Rape-lisberger trial would be to have Al Michaels and John Madden do full color commentary for the duration of the proceedings, and to have it be broadcast live on CourtTV.
Can you imagine this exchange:
AL: Ooouch. I think that was a bad decision by the quarterback there John, would you agree?
JOHN: You know, he really forced it in there that time, and 99% of the time you try to force it in, it just doesn't work out for ya.
AL: Just a bad situation for everyone involved there.
JOHN: It's like, first she's coming up to his room to fix the TV, he see's her coming, and then ... BOOM, 15 to life.
Can you imagine this exchange:
AL: Ooouch. I think that was a bad decision by the quarterback there John, would you agree?
JOHN: You know, he really forced it in there that time, and 99% of the time you try to force it in, it just doesn't work out for ya.
AL: Just a bad situation for everyone involved there.
JOHN: It's like, first she's coming up to his room to fix the TV, he see's her coming, and then ... BOOM, 15 to life.
Sunday, November 23, 2008
Fantasy Football Hell
You know that place where you second and third-guess every decision you make? Where you over-analyze the smallest of details and as a result go against your gut instincts?
You know that place where you're banging your head against the wall because you started Willie Parker over Michael Turner in a must-win week 12 fantasy match-up and now you're stuck screaming at the TV during the Colts-Chargers game because Joseph Addai is you're only hope at overcoming a 35-point deficit.
Yeah... that's where I am right now.
Two things about this NFL season:
1. I'm going to assassinate Dominic Rhodes, who got every significant crunch time carry for the Colts, and allowed Joe Addai to slowly kill my fantasy team like an NFL version of the AIDS virus. I'm not sure when Dungy lost faith in Jigga Joe, but it screwed over two of my fantasy teams this year and...
2. How can you not love the Falcons right now, even after the playoff loss. This is just a great young team that has been able to reinvent itself with Matt Ryan, Michael Turner and Roddy White, and really leave the Michael Vick era behind. With a physical D and the uncanny ability to hang with almost any opponent, they're just captivating to watch. I say these guys come back big in 2009. I mean, didn't you see that drive in the fourth quarter where Matty Ice literally willed the team down the field. Forget the two picks, there was bound to be mistakes due to inexperience, what's good is that he still threw the ball with confidence even after some mis-steps. Kid's going to be great.
What I really want to talk about though, is fantasy football hell.
There is no other game, sport or recreational activity on the planet that causes the same amount of stress as does Fantasy Football - the #1 cause of heart attacks in American males age 16-30.
Why? Well it's simple really: it takes no knowledge of the actual sport of football to be able to play fantasy football.
Take for example a girl in one of my fantasy leagues. For the purposes of this column, we'll call her Laura Anacone. Last season, the inaugural season for this particular league, Laura decided to draft LT with the second overall pick in our draft. Very respectable, except for the fact that the LT she drafted was Lawrence Taylor.
"I'll take Lawrence Taylor," she said, and then managed to somehow not come in last and beat out real football fans, who watch football, in the playoffs.
I don't care that Donovan McNabb doesn't know games can end in a tie - well, I do, but what I care more about is the fact that the kid in my 12-team league's championship game drafted Ricky Williams in the fourth round of our draft this year when Michael Turner, Ronnie Brown, Chris Johnson, Matt Forte, LenDale White, Darren McFadden, and Jonathan Stewart were all still on the board.
All this individual did was read Matt Berry, ESPN's Talented Mr. Roto, religiously each week and do his darndest to follow every recommendation Berry made. Through that, and sheer luck (he scored the second fewest total points over the course of the regular season in a 12 team league and somehow managed an 8-5 record because he caught teams on shit weeks), he made it to the championship game.
FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!
This is the kind of shit that makes real football fans - the kind that saw the potential in Michael "the Burner" Turner from watching him back up LT (no, not Lawrence Taylor, Laura) and grabbed him just at the right spot in round 5, the kind who waited an extra round for Larry Fitz instead of pulling the trigger on Anquan Boldin because they knew Boldin's only played a full 16 games twice in a six year career - it makes those fans nuts.
Just nuts enough to do it all over again next season.
You know that place where you're banging your head against the wall because you started Willie Parker over Michael Turner in a must-win week 12 fantasy match-up and now you're stuck screaming at the TV during the Colts-Chargers game because Joseph Addai is you're only hope at overcoming a 35-point deficit.
Yeah... that's where I am right now.
Two things about this NFL season:
1. I'm going to assassinate Dominic Rhodes, who got every significant crunch time carry for the Colts, and allowed Joe Addai to slowly kill my fantasy team like an NFL version of the AIDS virus. I'm not sure when Dungy lost faith in Jigga Joe, but it screwed over two of my fantasy teams this year and...
2. How can you not love the Falcons right now, even after the playoff loss. This is just a great young team that has been able to reinvent itself with Matt Ryan, Michael Turner and Roddy White, and really leave the Michael Vick era behind. With a physical D and the uncanny ability to hang with almost any opponent, they're just captivating to watch. I say these guys come back big in 2009. I mean, didn't you see that drive in the fourth quarter where Matty Ice literally willed the team down the field. Forget the two picks, there was bound to be mistakes due to inexperience, what's good is that he still threw the ball with confidence even after some mis-steps. Kid's going to be great.
What I really want to talk about though, is fantasy football hell.
There is no other game, sport or recreational activity on the planet that causes the same amount of stress as does Fantasy Football - the #1 cause of heart attacks in American males age 16-30.
Why? Well it's simple really: it takes no knowledge of the actual sport of football to be able to play fantasy football.
Take for example a girl in one of my fantasy leagues. For the purposes of this column, we'll call her Laura Anacone. Last season, the inaugural season for this particular league, Laura decided to draft LT with the second overall pick in our draft. Very respectable, except for the fact that the LT she drafted was Lawrence Taylor.
"I'll take Lawrence Taylor," she said, and then managed to somehow not come in last and beat out real football fans, who watch football, in the playoffs.
I don't care that Donovan McNabb doesn't know games can end in a tie - well, I do, but what I care more about is the fact that the kid in my 12-team league's championship game drafted Ricky Williams in the fourth round of our draft this year when Michael Turner, Ronnie Brown, Chris Johnson, Matt Forte, LenDale White, Darren McFadden, and Jonathan Stewart were all still on the board.
All this individual did was read Matt Berry, ESPN's Talented Mr. Roto, religiously each week and do his darndest to follow every recommendation Berry made. Through that, and sheer luck (he scored the second fewest total points over the course of the regular season in a 12 team league and somehow managed an 8-5 record because he caught teams on shit weeks), he made it to the championship game.
FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!
This is the kind of shit that makes real football fans - the kind that saw the potential in Michael "the Burner" Turner from watching him back up LT (no, not Lawrence Taylor, Laura) and grabbed him just at the right spot in round 5, the kind who waited an extra round for Larry Fitz instead of pulling the trigger on Anquan Boldin because they knew Boldin's only played a full 16 games twice in a six year career - it makes those fans nuts.
Just nuts enough to do it all over again next season.
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