'Tis the season...

December 20.

People bailing on work early, fighting traffic, driving aggressively, flipping the bird to young children, guzzling coffee and energy drinks by the gallon, crowding malls and outlets, cussing, cursing, blaspheming... and jingling all the way!

Yes Virginia, the Hell-idays are upon us like Herman Cain on a cocktail waitress at the GOP Christmas Ball. And along with them, all that precious, cherished family togetherness we… ahem… relish all year long. 

That’s right, the time of the season for cheek pinching geriatrics, awkward inquiries into your personal life, bad stories about your second cousins new career as a martial arts instructor, and uncomfortable and alarming amounts of time spent with those “special” family members and friends you simply “tolerate,” is here! 

That’s why this year, we here at the Boston Lager have come up with a few new holiday “games” that you, our readers, can employ, along with a healthy dose of Jack Daniels, to help you get through your family Christmas/Hanukkah/Festivus gatherings.

So, without further ado, The Lager Emergency Situation Management Department proudly presents – Holiday Drinking Games 2011:

 Not-So-Silent Night:

A holiday classic, this yuletide drinking game is for those of us whose family patriarchs and matriarchs have been blessed with the… umm… gift… of unnatural longevity.

Big Perks

We've all seen it happen, if it hasn't in fact happened to us.

Guy breaks up with his longtime girlfriend, who is pretty cool by most accounts and all of his friends actually like, to play the field, chase some hotter chick, etc. He fails to get the hot chick, or does for a while then it fizzles out, or he plays the field for a few months and has a blast, but eventually it's going to get old.

Then, 6 to 8 months go by - he's getting tired of being single at this point - and he runs into his ex at a bar somewhere. She has lost that little bit of extra weight she had always carried around, bought herself a whole new wardrobe, and looks smoking hot. He goes over to talk to her, and she is not only still cool, but also has come into some money via some distant rich relative dying and is about to embark on an all-expense paid 3-month sightseeing trip around the world... with her new douchebag boyfriend who plays right wing for the Providence Bruins.

This sends our guy into a deep, dark, month-long depression.

At this point you might be asking yourself where I'm going with this. Well, let me show you:

Kendrick Perkins lost 31-lbs this offseason!!!

If Perk starts beast-ing on people all of a sudden because he can finally get up and down the court without looking like he's moving at the same speed as a scrambling Tom Brady, I'm growing [an even more ridiculous] beard and going on suicide watch until July.

God's son returns?

Did you hear this rumor yet!!!!

The one where Timothy Richard Tebow broke up Lindsey Vonn's marriage and is now dating her?

That's right. A rumor that the should-have-been-aborted-miracle-baby, born-again Christian, Filipino circumcising, saving-himself-for-marriage, inaccurate as all hell, starting Bronco's QB has landed super hot US Olympian Alpine goddess Lindsey Vonn.

Some guys have all the luck.

If this is somehow true (it's not, if there is a fair and loving God, this is not true), then the debate is over. Tebow is the second-coming of Christ, and this time he's decided "You know what, I'm Jesus fucking Christ! Sure, I'll prepare the army of the Lord for judgement day in 2012, but I'll be damned if I don't get to have a little fun along the way this time around!"

Screw it. As discussed here previously, Julia Mancuso is my favorite hot US winter Olympian anyway. (Nastia Liukin gets the summer and overall titles).