The greatest Kobe analogy ever...

Simple as this post's title - and as sharp and accurate as well - I give you the greatest ever analogy describing 2012 Kobe Bryant, compliments of Grantland.com staff writer Brian Phillips:

"Kobe's relentlessness has always been his most celebrated quality, but this season, he's starting to remind me of one of those space probes that somehow keep feeding back data even after they've gone out twice as far as the zone where they were supposed to break down. You know these stories — no one at NASA can believe it, every day they come into work expecting the line to be dead, but somehow, the beeps and blorps keep coming through. Maybe half the transmissions get lost these days, or break up around the moons of Jupiter, but somehow, this piece of isolated metal keeps functioning on a cold fringe of the solar system that no human eyes have seen.

That's Kobe, right? While the rest of the Lakers look increasingly anxious and time-bound, he just keeps gliding farther out, like some kind of experiment to see whether never having a single feeling can make you immortal. He's barely preserving radio contact with anyone else at this point, but basketball scientists who've seen fragments of his diagnostic readouts report that the numbers are heartening. It's bizarre. He's simultaneously the main character in the Lakers' drama and someone who seems to have nothing to do with the narrative logic of the post-Phil team. Whatever the Mike Brown era is, he's got no point of contact with it. Even Gasol and Bynum, his best supporting players, essentially just concentrate on not interfering with his flight path. Everyone stays out of his way, which is easy, because "his way" is a couple of billion miles from the rest of the Lakers."

It has truly been fascinating to follow Kobe and the Lake Show thus far through this shortened season; like watching the Titanic's band keep right on playing... except in this case the bandleader might be single-handedly capable of righting the ship before it's too late.

Only time will tell, so I guess we'll just have to keep watching - on the edges of our seats.

Wait a second... did she just say...

The following is a true story. The names have been changed to protect… well, me.

It happened to a male friend of mine earlier today.

While talking to a middle-aged co-worker about her weekend, the woman mentioned that Sunday was her partner’s birthday.

Now, my friend has worked with said woman for roughly 6 months at this point, and though he probably wouldn’t consider her a “work friend,” they are cordial and will occasionally have a short conversation about current events, local happenings, restaurants, etc.

According to my friend, said woman is ultra-liberal, uber-artsy, metta-politically correct, and possibly a bit of hippie. Whenever she has mentioned her significant other in the past, she has referred to him as “my partner.” My buddy didn’t think anything of this, because she seems like the type of person who would say “my partner” in lieu of “my husband” or “my boyfriend”. During this morning’s conversation, however, a curveball was thrown.

Following up “It was my partner’s birthday on Sunday,” my buddy says, was, “but SHE wasn’t feeling very good, so we kind of had to reschedule our celebration.”

Now, my buddy is in no way, shape or form homophobic. However, he says this came as a shock to him. So, without further ado, here is his rapid, ranting, reaction:

So, immediately my mind kicks into high-gear. She’s still blabbing on, but I have completely stopped paying attention, and my internal monologue is going rapid-fire:

“Wait a second, did she just say SHE? I swear I heard she. Maybe it was “buts he,” you know, like baby-speak. Nope. There it is again. She said she again. She’s a lesbian? No, wait, she IS a lesbian. This kinda makes sense. Explains a few things.

Hold-up.

So she’s a lesbian. She just came out to me. She just came out to me? Who else knows? Is this common knowledge? Am I allowed to talk about this with other people? She always makes a point to say “partner” and not use a name. Is that cause she doesn’t want people to know? Why would she tell me? Did that just slip? Is she only telling me? Why would she think we’re that close? Does she think I’M GAY? I am not gay. I am not gay? Not last time I checked. When did I last check?

Snap out of it.

How do I react to her saying she? Do I stop her and say “wait, she”? Do I just nod and keep rolling with the convo? Was I supposed to have known this before? I’m just gonna roll with this. And speak of it to no one. Except Bill. I gotta tell Bill. This is the most awkward situation I’ve ever been in at work.”

That last part of his monologue had to be revised after a short conversation. We determined the time he told a gay guy (whom he didn’t know was gay at the time) that part of the reason he didn’t go to Emerson was because the first 3 guys he met on the tour were gay and he just didn’t think he’d fit in was more awkward.

We also determined that the “Did Tabitha used to be a dude?” conversation he had about one of his former editors was more awkward.

And for the record, yes, Tabitha used to be a dude. Poor Toby.