Thursday, July 30, 2009

A new theory from Cunn...

Since the Dawn of Time, man has been searching for the answers to the great mysteries of the universe.

Countless philosophers, thinkers, sages and priests have pondered the answers to these pivotal questions regarding human existence: Why are we here? Is there a God? What lies beyond our earthly plane?

Well, today, one of those questions has finally been answered, by none other than the greatest thinker of our time – the man who fought back at establishment by stealing sandwiches from the cafeteria at a Massachusetts State University – my good friend Cunn.

The sheer genius of this humble modern philosopher has never shone as brightly as it does in the below paragraphs, which he emailed me just last night. In these lines Cunn concisely tackles one of these great questions that has plagued mankind for centuries: Why do hot chicks date complete asswipes?

So without further ado, I give you in all his unfiltered glory, guest contributor to The Boston Lager, The man, The myth, The legend… The Cunnisher.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The D-Bag Dilemma

By Cunn

This may be the most important email I ever write to you.

I have a theory that challenges one of man's biggest mysteries....The girl dating the D-bag.

“…In humans, shyness (also called diffidence) is a social psychology term used to describe the feeling of apprehension, lack of confidence, or awkwardness experienced when a person is in proximity to, approaching, or being approached by other people, especially in new situations or with unfamiliar people…” (Wikipedia).

The phenomenon that is the D-bag that always gets the hot girl has long plagued and frustrated the regular "good" guy.

This mystery is typically expressed in the question "why do girls love to date assholes?"

We have all been there; you fall for that cute girl and you get friendly, but this asshole comes in effortlessly and gets her. While going out with her, he continuously treats her like shit, but she will not leave.

I believe I have figured out why this is so.

First, the Players:

John: The good guy, who does all the things a girl thinks are "sweet".

Giada: The girl of your dreams who you would do anything to be with; also a chef on the food network with an incredible rack....of ribs.

Roger: Simply described as the D-bag. The guy who breathes arrogance and shits ego. Public Enemy #1.

Now, lets breakdown each person a little more.

John of course is the shy one, who means nothing but good things for Giada. He does the little things that makes her say things like, "I don't know how you don't have a girlfriend," even though she is single (c*nt).

The small surprises, the occasional flowers, and the great relationship with her friends and possibly family – John is the guy that belongs with her, but he isn’t with her.

Giada is a little more complicated. To understand why, you have to look at her past.

A young teen Giada is where everything evolves from. Thanks to the sex driven society that the media has created, Giada feels the need to be, look, and feel sexy. Due to the immaturity of the teen years, Giada cannot feel like she is ever on the highest level of beauty. John thinks she is, but is so afraid to say the wrong thing and screw things up, so he never really tells her how attracted he is to her (flirting). Giada is so desperate to feel sexy that she cannot confide in John because he cannot tell her what she strives to hear.

Enter the D-bag.

Roger, being fearless due to his lack of respect for females in general, has no problem telling Giada she is hot and that he would definitely hook up with her. It now begins.

Giada, though not necessarily physically attracted to Roger, feels that she should be with him because he reinforces what she believes she should be. He reinforces those magazines that tell her what a guy is "really" thinking when he looks at a girl.

Meanwhile, John sits back wondering what he did wrong and what Roger did right to bring this situation about.

This is a happening that is nearly unstoppable; a force of nature, if you will. Giada is now suffering from Stage 5 Douchitis.* (see full definition below)

There are good things and bad things that come with Douchitis. Unfortunately there is no cure and no matter what D-bag Roger does, Giada will always forgive him.

Also, this common disease has 5 stages, which decline in severity from ages 17-21. The girl will seek Roger-like guys until about the age of 21, sometimes 22, because that’s all she has known.

By 21 or 22 the girl has matured and looked back on the guys she has dated and begun to wonder why she ever dated them. This is also an age where the female wants to have a serious relationship so she can get married in her mid 20's, which is the typical age for such a life event.

By this time, John has gained confidence because Giada-like girls have begun to like him. His shyness goes away and confidence comes to the surface.

This now leaves Roger banging a 200-pound white chick who thinks she's black in his pimped out 1990 Honda Accord at Hampton Beach.

So, nice guys finish last? I disagree.

They do for a period of time, but more times then not they at least have the opportunity to prevail in the end.

There may not have been a better theory on this subject that has come before this. I may have uncovered the answer to a mystery that has been mind-boggling to Johns for decades.

*Stage 5 Douchitis is a disease that effects the functioning of a female’s brain. She begins to find trashy, rude, egotistical guys attractive because they tell her she is hot and want to bang her.

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Big Trouble for Big Ben

So, I've decided that the best possible thing that could happen to this impending Ben Rape-lisberger trial would be to have Al Michaels and John Madden do full color commentary for the duration of the proceedings, and to have it be broadcast live on CourtTV.

Can you imagine this exchange:

AL: Ooouch. I think that was a bad decision by the quarterback there John, would you agree?

JOHN: You know, he really forced it in there that time, and 99% of the time you try to force it in, it just doesn't work out for ya.

AL: Just a bad situation for everyone involved there.

JOHN: It's like, first she's coming up to his room to fix the TV, he see's her coming, and then ... BOOM, 15 to life.

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Here’s an interesting tidbit…

If you were to take an inventory of NBA players who are still active from both the 2000 and 2002 All-Star Game rosters, you’d come up with a list that looked like this:

PGs: Jason Kidd, Steve Nash, Baron Davis
SGs: Ray Allen, Kobe Bryant
SFs: Peja Stojakovic, Tracy McGrady, Wally Szczerbiak, Paul Peirce, Vince Carter, Michael Finley, Jerry Stackhouse, Grant Hill
PFs: Rasheed Wallace, Kevin Garnett, Dirk Nowitzki, Elton Brand, Jermaine O’Neal
Cs: Tim Duncan, Shaq

Now, if you take that list and whittle it down even further so it consists of only those players who started over 50 games last season, you get a list that looks like this:

PGs: Jason Kidd, Steve Nash, Baron Davis
SGs: Ray Allen, Kobe Bryant
SFs: Peja Stojakovic, Paul Peirce, Vince Carter, Michael Finley, Grant Hill
PFs: Rasheed Wallace, Kevin Garnett, Dirk Nowitzki
Cs: Tim Duncan, Shaq

Now, you might be asking yourself, “Why do I care?” (though more likely you’re still wondering how Wally Szczerbiak ever made an All-Star team).

Or maybe you’re waiting for me to get to some type of point in all this meaningless rambling. Well, here it is:

Of those 15 men on that second list, as many as five (that’s 33.3% of the 2000 and 2002 All-Stars still starting in the NBA) could be playing significant minutes for the Boston Celtics in the 2009-2010 NBA season.

I’ll repeat that to let it sink in.

Five of the 15 players still starting NBA games from the 2000 and 2002 All-Star Team rosters could be suiting up in Celtics Green in the 2009-2010 season. Garnett, Peirce, Allen, Wallace, and now potentially Grant Hill.

To put that into perspective, consider this:

Assuming the Celtics do sign Hill, let Big Baby go elsewhere and head into the season with a 12-man roster of the Big Three, Rondo, Perk, Sheed, Hill, Scal, Eddie House, Tony Allen, Bill Walker and J.R. Giddens, then that average age on their roster would be 29.5 years of age.

I’m gonna round that up to 30, and then remind you that the Celts will likely pursue a veteran PG to back up Rondo after signing Hill, which will drive that age up even further.

In fact, just for fun, let’s say the Celts sign free agent guard Andre Miller (33) to back up Rondo. That pushes Giddens (24) off the 12 man roster and pushes the average age up to 30.25 years of age.

For comparison, the average age of an NBA player at the start of the 2007-2008 season (which was the most recent data I could find), was 26.89 years old. Furthermore, at the start of the 2008-2009 season the oldest team in the league was the San Antonio Spurs, sporting an average age of 29.96 years old (according to RPIratings.com).

What am I building up to here, you ask? Well, it’s this: If you’re an NBA GM, is building the oldest team in the NBA something you really want to have listed on your resume?

I completely understand Danny wanting to win another championship within the “two-year window” we’ve all heard so much about lately, but is it worth potentially sacrificing the following 10-years for the next two?

Don’t misunderstand me. I don’t really have a problem with any of the moves Danny has made so far this offseason, nor do I have any issue with the Celts pursuing Hill. I just get nervous when I see a team stockpiling aging talent (like the Lakers did in ’03-’04), because what generally happens is all that talent leaves over the course of two seasons and leaves a team stuck in “Rebuilding Hell”.

The Lakers had the luxury of being able to rely on a still relatively young superstar (Kobe) after that ’03-’04 season to help speed the ascent out of “Rebuilding Hell”, but with no such player on the Celtics current roster, a similar exodus of aging stars could leave the team reeling for six, seven, maybe even eight seasons.

Look, I’m not suggesting that Danny should have done (or could be doing) anything differently, I think he’s been making the right moves given the circumstances.

I’m just concerned that once we watch the Big Three, Sheed, Eddie House and now potentially Grant Hill leave one by one over the course of the next three seasons, Celtics fans are going to be left staring at a core of Rondo, Perk, a half decent free agent pickup (say a Kevin Durant or Carmelo Anthony) and a still developing Bill Walker, asking ourselves what the hell happened.

Here’s to hoping I’m wrong.