'Tis the season...

December 20.

People bailing on work early, fighting traffic, driving aggressively, flipping the bird to young children, guzzling coffee and energy drinks by the gallon, crowding malls and outlets, cussing, cursing, blaspheming... and jingling all the way!

Yes Virginia, the Hell-idays are upon us like Herman Cain on a cocktail waitress at the GOP Christmas Ball. And along with them, all that precious, cherished family togetherness we… ahem… relish all year long. 

That’s right, the time of the season for cheek pinching geriatrics, awkward inquiries into your personal life, bad stories about your second cousins new career as a martial arts instructor, and uncomfortable and alarming amounts of time spent with those “special” family members and friends you simply “tolerate,” is here! 

That’s why this year, we here at the Boston Lager have come up with a few new holiday “games” that you, our readers, can employ, along with a healthy dose of Jack Daniels, to help you get through your family Christmas/Hanukkah/Festivus gatherings.

So, without further ado, The Lager Emergency Situation Management Department proudly presents – Holiday Drinking Games 2011:

 Not-So-Silent Night:

A holiday classic, this yuletide drinking game is for those of us whose family patriarchs and matriarchs have been blessed with the… umm… gift… of unnatural longevity.

The rules are quite simple; every time Aunt Phyllis, who is fortunate enough to be celebrating her 84^th Christmas this year, audibly passes gas at the dinner table, it’s time to drink!!!

If Aunt Phyllis neglects to excuse herself because she thinks no one heard the earth shattering cacophony that was just released from her rectum – probably due to the fact her hearing aid battery is on its’ last legs and is emitting an eardrum-piercing buzzing sound to alert her it needs charging, one which is audible to everyone except… surprise, Aunt Phyllis – then drink two!

What’s that you say? Aunt Phyllis just sharted!?! Well then friends, time to finish your drinks before going to grab the Rug Doctor™ and breaking out a fresh can of Febreeze! 

A warning to those of you who will have multiple relatives over the age of 65 present at your gathering: you might want to avoid a heavy hand when mixing your drinks, because too many Aunt Phyllises around could mean you’ll be the one needing the adult diapers by the end of the night. 

And remember, we’re talking audible gaseous releases here. SBDs don’t count. For more on those fun nuggets, see Do You Smell What I Smell.

Feliz Navi-Dad:

You think you hate these god damn Christmas gatherings?!? 

Well my friend, your distaste for the obligatory family holiday party has got nothing on Dear Old Dad’s utter loathing of the event.

Every year right around the end of December – you know, just when yearly reports are coming due at work and the damn (fill-in-the-local-NFL-team-name)s are about to blow their chance at the Wild Card – Dad is catapulted into his own personal Hell that is the holiday season.

Especially if the gathering in question is taking place in HIS HOUSE, you know, just to cap his friggin’ year off.

See, it’s right around this time when all of Dad’s favorite people start turning up – in-laws, kids, free-loading cousins, great uncles who spout out things like “Willy, how about you go get your uncle Charlie a beer,” even though Dad stopped going by Willy when he was roughly 11-years old, and that guy he always gets stuck talking to about work in the living room for roughly 27 hours.

Today is just not Dad’s day, and to top it all off he’s got Mom barking orders at him from the kitchen!

The rules here are a bit more complex, and they leave some room for improvisation, since all Dads are basically the same, yet undeniably unique at the same time.

First and foremost, the game begins when Dad starts drinking for the day. Sometimes this can be as early as 8 am, when Dad crumbles under the weight of the impending chaos that will soon descend upon his house and starts dumping the Bailey’s into his second cup of coffee. 

From that point forward all participants must keep pace with Dad. 

For every drink he knocks down to get himself through his misery, each player must finish at least half of a drink – but with the other rules in effect, making sure you’ve downed half a drink for every one of dad’s will be the least of your worries.

In addition, the rules mandate that all participants down a shot of tequila (it is called Feliz Navi-Dad, after all) each time one of the following occurrences takes place:

1. Dad is caught mumbling curse words under his breath or is overheard talking to himself (Note: this oftentimes manifests during trips outside or to the garage to empty the trash bin).
2. Dad makes “the face”. And don’t pretend you don’t know what we’re talking about.
3. Dad makes a “joke” about “dragging someone to the middle of nowhere and leaving them for dead”.
4. Dad is generally clueless as to what just happened, because he stopped paying attention to the conversation 8-minutes ago and is instead trying to concentrate on making Aunt Joanna’s head explode with his thoughts.

Here’s where there’s some room for creativity. There are two “Wild-card” rules you can custom-tailor for your own father!!!

Dad’s got a favorite curse-word? Fantastic! Tequila shots for all each time the word is uttered over the course of the day!

Dad’s forced into doing a dramatic reading of “Twas the Night Before Christmas” every year? Stupendous! Have the Cuervo ready to go for each time Dad decides to incorporate his own “interpretation” of the poem and stray from the traditional script!

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila… floor! 

Indeed.

Rudolph, your Red-faced Druncle

Oh… the druncle!

For those unfamiliar with the term, it’s the compound word created to describe your drunken uncle. You know the one we’re talking about. The loud one who showed up with the 30-rack of Bud Ice, is currently cracking off-color jokes within earshot of Nana, and took it upon himself to comment on the size of your new lady friend’s chest as you introduced her.

There are two types of druncles in this world, the endearing variety, and the variety you’d like to take out back and beat with a rubber hose. Either way, both types are going to be the catalyst for multiple awkward/embarrassing/fantastic moments during any holiday gathering, and that’s what makes this game so enjoyably simple!

There’s just one rule: anytime the druncle participates in some form of jackass-ery that results in an awkward/embarrassing moment, you’re drinking!

The druncle just asked your sister’s long-time boyfriend if his V-neck sweater means he’s finally out of the closet? Mazel Tov!

The druncle asked Great Aunt Judy how she “really” broke her hip? Sláinte!

The druncle alerts you to the fact that, “Nana may be carrying a load in her Depends™, go stand next to her and take a whiff?” Cheers!

And add a bonus drink if any of the druncle’s comments actually lead to a verbal (or physical!) altercation – which will most likely be with the Holiday gathering noob who hasn’t quite yet learned that it’s best to just let it go.

Speaking of letting it go… that brings us to our final 2011 Holiday Drinking Game:

Do You Smell What I Smell?

Whether it’s the pungent potpourri of Nana’s Depends™, the formaldehyde fumes surrounding Great Uncle Albert, or the sweet scent of dinner burning in the oven, holiday gatherings offer an olfactory experience like no other.

In this game, participants will be asked to identify the various and sundry smells floating through the house during the holiday gathering, drawing on the classic Christmas Carol, “Do You Hear What I Hear?” A correct identification and you get to dole out a drink to a fellow participant, while an incorrect guess will leave you taking a sip of your own.

This is a gentleman’s game, and requires participants to first engage a fellow player with the question, “Do you smell what I smell?” The player that has been asked the question is then allowed the first guess at the mystery odor, with turns alternating until both parties agree that the correct source has been identified!

For example:

Player A: “Do you smell what I smell?”

Player B: “Do I smell what you smell? (sniff, sniff) A burp, a burp, coming from Aunt Anne, smells like eggnog and marzipan?”

Player A: Smells like eggnog and marzipan. I drink!”

And so it goes.

Well, that concludes this year’s edition of The Lager Emergency Situation Management Department’s Holiday Drinking Games. We sincerely hope these games are instrumental in helping you through your own personal holiday hell!

And remember, if the games happen get a little out of hand, the fruitcake is unparalleled in its alcohol absorbency.

Happy Holidays!